New currency for the stinking rich: for the super rich, and those who have never had a chip sarney, the new denominations break down like this.
£1,000, 000 = 1 Blue whale £500,000 = 1 Polar bear £250,000 = 1 Tiger £100,000 = 1 Panda
£50,000 = 1 Elephant £10,000 = 1 Rhino £1,000 = 1 Sea otter £500 = 1 Ostrich £100 = 1 Llama
So, with these figures in mind, a Ferrari will now set you back, one giraffe and an elephant, and if you have it delivered, you can add a couple of sea otters on top of the list price. If you’re looking to purchase a home in say, Holland Park that will put a hole in your account to the tune of six blue whales, one tiger, and a panda. Now, I know what you’re thinking, what about forgeries? Well, here at Mental Central we like to keep ahead of such issues, and we are working on a new version of the bar code system in tandem with the zoo police fraud squad. We’ve undertaken a number of experiments in the field, but it was so bloody cold we came back inside. Anyway, so far the zebra seems to be the best bet. You see, although from a distance, a herd of zebras all look the same, even to a charging lioness, when you get up close their markings are all slightly different. So the plan is to produce a set of high definition prints from a number of zebra skins and tattoo the results on the top left hand corner of your new currency.
What about the interest in my account? Good question. Well again, here at Mental Central, I’m glad to say that we’ve come up with a peach of a plan. It took seconds of exhaustive research, but last Tuesday in the ‘Slut and Gusset’, our scientists came up with the answer – maggots! Working on the principal that four maggots equals a gnat, when they hatch, wallop, there’s your interest! All you have to do, is catch ’em.
Where will my bank be? (plebs only) Your bank or building society will still be in the same place; the only difference you will notice is that they will have all been converted into pet shops. Any orignal pet shops will be closed and used as staff training centres. If you’re on holiday in the UK, you will be able to withdraw or make a deposit at one of our many farms. Government grants will also be available for those customers wanting to build hutches and pens, should they wish to keep a bit of spare cash at home. Bank vaults and safes, of course, will have to be much, much bigger than they used to be. There is some bad news I’m afraid, a new earwig and gnat tax will be introduced in May 2010. The reason for this is that most houses and gardens will be full of the little blighters, and we simply can’t afford to have all that free money roaming about. The good news is, that you will be able to reclaim the shortfall when your pension matures, that’s assuming you can prove they came from your garden and not a neighbours.
Where will my bank be if I’m loaded? The first private estate to collaborate with Mental Central and the banks will be Longleat. I’ve had a series of meetings with Lord Bath, and he agrees with me, this new monetary scheme will boost employment, add a substantial amount of financial growth to the country, (both in terms of import and export deals) and, bloody and, you’ll never need to buy another bag of compost ever again. Other safari parks are set to follow suit, and soon the stinking rich will be able to use any race course for their banking needs. Well, that’s it for now, if you have any questions regarding the new currency, or if you have any suggestions on how we can make the change over less confusing than the naughty (spit-spit spitty) euro, don’t hesitate to contact me. Now I must dash, I’ve been asked to open a new Abbey Gnational branch in Hornsey High Road, drive-bys permitting… But before I go, I’ll leave you with a short poem that personifies the caring, sharing nation that we are.
It’s a funny old world we live in,
and it’s full of monetary shame.
It’s the rich what gets the credit,
and the poor what gets the blame. (Keats)
Why did the elephant cross the road? Because the chicken was on holiday! 😉