Who else could help if they wanted to? Well, I believe the lottery bods could.  Overall, the people who play the lottery can’t afford to, and yet  they spend millions over the year in the hope of scooping the ‘big’ one.  I mean, how much lottery money is sitting in a Swiss bank account right now?  In layman’s terms, frigging millions mate!  I understand that some of this has to used to pay the winners and help charity organisations, but,  bloody but, what about the unclaimed cashy-wonga?  The interest alone could be used to help the poorest people in the UK, the ones who can’t pay their rent or buy food because they’re spending way to much on lottery tickets in the first place!  “It could be you.”  Yeah right!  You’ve got more chance of being stabbed by the Pope!

Perhaps the Queen could flog off a couple of castles.  After all, she can’t live in more than one at a time can she!  If a ‘Twat tax’ was introduced I believe that this would rake in millions over the course of a year.  Anyone who is deemed to be a twat, by the Twat Board, will automatically lose 7.5% of their monthly income.  The current contenders are: all of the Big Brother contestants, and everyone who the told the early entrants of X Factor they had a chance of winning.  And lastly, and I realise this is a radical move, how about the tossers who gambled away the money in the stock exchange, after a series of’ bad guessing days?  Extreme twats, such as this, should be forced to hand over their last bonus and fired, making sure that they never get another job in the money market again.  Harsh, but fair, I feel.

New currency for the plebs. It’s obvious to me that a new currency has to be invented, and I’m glad to say that I have come up with an absolute winner.  We survived for decades using pounds, shillings and pence (£sd), and then went metric.  My idea is no more radical than what’s gone before.  My new monetary system  involves using  woodland animals, pets and insects, instead of paper money and  coins.  In the long run this plan will save trees, halt the mining for metals, and my plans for the new ‘super rich’ currency will go some way to saving some of the planets  most endangered species in the future.  No, no, there’s no need to thank me, I’m just glad to help.  The plans are thus:

Step one: April 1st 2009.  The inhabitence of the towns in London should all meet outside their local civic centre.   There, they will be met by bank representatives, and asked to hand over every bit of cash they can find in their homes.  The total will be added to their accounts, and their accounts will be closed, leaving the customer with a chit showing their current  balance.  Step two: once this procedure has taken place the customers with the chits will first receive a course of Imodium, and then led to conference room 1, where they will be able to pick up their new currency.  Here’s a break down of the new denominations.  I’d just like to say that these took me minutes to devise and, as far as I can see, they are faultless!

£50 = 1 Badger   £20 = 1 Fox   £10 = 1 Whippet   £5 = 1 Rabbit   £1 = 1 Pigeon   50p = 1 tit

20p = 1 Toad   10p = 1 Frog   5p = 1 Newt   2p = 1 Earwig   1p = 1 Gnat

A monkey will still be worth £500 of course, and a pony will remain the same at £25.  So let’s see how this breaks down in todays prices using some basic essentials – fags and beer.   (All prices correct from date of letter 27/10/08)  A packet of Lambert & Butler lights in my corner shop cost £5.20.  In the new currency this would set me back one rabbit and a toad, or five pigeons and two frogs.  If you try to pay with 520 gnats, you’ll do nothing but hold up the queue.  Hand over a fox and your change will be; one whippet, four pigeons and four toads.  You will need to buy a bigger wallet, and some larger trousers to hold any loose change but, apart from that, I can’t see a problem, accept perhaps when it comes to using an ATM!  Better make a note of that.

Moving on, a pint of Guinness, on average, costs £3.20.  This equates to: three pigeons and one frog, or six tits and four newts.  Hand over a rabbit and your change could be, two tits and four toads or variables thereof.  And thanks to The Royal Society for the Protection of Birds stepping in as a sponsor for Harvester pubs, you will be able to collect pigeon and tit miles, or air miles as they used to be called.  Okay, that’s enough information for now, but in the final part of, Letters from home, you will discover how much a Ferrari will set you back, and what a house might cost you if you choose to move to Holland Park.

Right, I’m off.  I’ve arranged a po-go championship for the patience at a local prolapse clinic…

This entry was posted on Saturday, February 27th, 2010 at 3:24 am and is filed under Neils Blog. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.