Oh mate you’re in trouble if you rely on this stuff, and everything that’s derived from it.  I’m talking about the product that England has very little of, crude oil.

If you think it’s bad when the tanker drivers go strike, you wait until you hear this over the airways, “Today the last barrel of crude oil was processed and from now on, the entire population of the globe will have to rely on solar energy.”  It sounds ridiculous now, but basically that’s what is going to happen.

Now, nothing will happen for at least 27 seconds after this statement has been read out, as it will take this amount of time for the full impact of the news to seep into the human brain.  After that, all hell will break out.  After gridlocked traffic blocks every road and lane in the country, the Prime Minister will make his calming statement: 

“Everybody don’t worry, there’s plenty of petrol in the country and there’s enough for everyone for the foreseeable future.”  “Yeah bollocks is there ,” said most of the voting public, “Where the bloody hell is it then?”  They added.  “Ooh I can’t tell you that, it’s classified!”  He/she replied. 

Rest assured there will be a priority plan, and it’ll go something like this.  The Queen will get first dibs – no surprise there.  The police will get some, but much of their transport will be down to using BMX bikes.  The military will have bundles, even though there isn’t a war.  And the ambulance services will just have to make do with what they siphon out of cars in the hospital car parks. 

Joe Public will fall under the ‘knob all’ list to ensure a blitz spirit and much hand-to-hand fighting in all neighbourhoods.  And ladies, just because you don’t drive, don’t think you’re not going to be affected by this.  You can kiss good bye to your stockings, nail polish and varnish, most of your makeup and your hairspray.

Yes, there will be a number of electric vehicles on the roads.  But they will have been dumped of course because the charging points are all over a 100 miles away from where the owners live.  But naturally the problems aren’t going to stop there, ooh no.  You won’t be able to buy a battery for love nor money after three days.  There won’t be any food in shops because deliveries will have been cancelled, due to the petrol shortage.  And what is in the shops will be too expensive to buy because of how much the petrol cost to get in there. 

As for solar power, the Government will say, there was a programme in place to produce more cars powered by the sun, but the investment was pulled to pay for the triple-dip recession.  Scrap metal dealers will be the only ones making any money when it all goes breasts upper most.  I mean, can you imagine getting a 747 off the runway using solar panels – I think not.  Happy motoring…

This entry was posted on Monday, August 20th, 2012 at 11:40 pm and is filed under Neils Blog. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.