If ever there was a species that couldn’t give a toss whether it lived or died or not the idle Panda has to come out on top. Even with the intervention of man, there’s still only about 1,600 of the blighters left in the wild. So – why bother?
Well God, who ever he or she is, didn’t help much in the design of the beast to begin with. I can only assume it was late one Friday when he/she drew up the plans for this furry oddball and then hastily passed them onto the night shift before hitting the pub and the kebab shop before passing out on a cloud.
Every other creature on the planet has all the right bits, in all of the right places so it can re procreate, even if they don’t know what to do with them first time round. And sadly this is where the Panda falls short. For a start, and it’s a very bad start, the Panda’s wedding tackle doesn’t match in size. So while a male may be hung like a wasp, the female could have a chuff the size of a wizard’s sleeve.
As in human life, a male Panda doesn’t instinctively know how to get laid, and not only do the females show no signs to the male that they’re up for a bit of rumpy pumpy, they only come into season between a 24 and 72 hour cycle, which occurs once a year, during February and May.
They don’t even have the benefit of witnessing the mating ritual of ‘the dance around the handbags’ to help them. And when they do finally pluck up the courage to stroll across the dance floor Ms Panda gets irritated by the male’s advances. And guess what happens next? They often end up fighting with each other – it sounds so familiar!
No, let ‘em die out naturally I say. They’ve got the libido of a manic depressive and can spend up to 14 hours a day eating. Couple that with spend three hours of the bog, burping and farting, and sleeping for the rest of the time, they deserve to be extinct don’t you think?
And it’s not just the time it takes for them to get their arses in gear. Have you seen the price of bamboo shoots lately? It sounds like such a great present when China donates a pair of Pandas to a zoo. And it is, until you discover it costs 70 grand a year to feed the lazy sods.
Then you’ve got to shell out 280,000 big ones for the cost of a suitable enclosure. Generally they live in a warm climate, so why have they just shipped two up to Scotland! Talk about a waste of wonga, and the lumps can live up to the age of 30. Not so much gift, more a white elephant methinks.
Of course, you have to take into consideration the ‘ugly factor’. I mean, the last thing you want is to be set up on a blind date, only to find some stupid human has a paired you off with the Panda equivalent of a right minger, do you!
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