Scientists celebrating a revolutionary discovery of nothing, shortly before giving their bank manager the good news earlier today, in the Anti Research Science Enterprise (A.R.S.E) facility, Stoke.
So here’s one for you. What doesn’t emit or absorb light, thereby making it invisible to the naked eye? Well pull up a planet and I’ ll tell you. It’s dark matter, apparently, and there’s a great big bunch of the stuff out there in our solar system somewhere.
Now if you and I were searching for such an item, and said it out loud, say in our doctor’s surgery or standing on a bridge over a train line, I don’t think it would be long before we were sectioned But, bloody but, if you’re a scientist it seems you’ll get away with it. So, you’ve got it into your bonce to search for an invisible mass, and now you need to secure a financial package to fund your notion. With that in mind, we book an appointment with our bank manager, and ask for a loan.
“Come on in son,” he/she says. “Park your butt, how much would you like to borrow and, what would the loan be for or five? We reply, “Well, we would like approximately 6.6 billion of your finest notes please, as we are rather keen on looking for something that is possibly transparent, but on the whole is invisible. We call it the ‘God particle’ you know.” Now, what do you think he/she would say to that request? The words, ‘sex’ and ‘travel’ come to mind almost immediately. However, if you’re a scientist, the bank starts loading up a lorry there and then.
To cover his arse, scientist A asks for a further 26 million to be added to the loan, just in case his new toy blows a fuse. Matey boy with the cash puts a call through to the Mint, and asks them to knock out a few more more bob for the weekend! We make a similar request, and the manager calls the security guards to ‘help’ us out of the building.
A few months down the line the manager has an urge to check up on his financial outlay, and asks the scientist how things are panning out in the hunt for the Holy Grail of space. “Aaaah,” said the boffin. “Bit of a prob there old boy, we’ve had a bit of a blow out in our Collider, you couldn’t slap that 26 mill our way could you?” “Sure,” says the manager. “Fuck it, I’ll bring it over myself. What else are you hoping to find with this Collider of Hadron?” “Well,” said the man with more money than he’s ever seen, “We’re also hoping to discover what antimatter is made of.” “Ooooooh that’s interesting,” the bank manager retorts. (please note: antimatter is a hypothetical form of matter) (please also note: there are people in the world that don’t have enough water to drink). I’m just saying!
So what do you get for your money with your first Hadron electric waster, apart from a carbon footprint the size of your asre? Well, on first inspection, it looks like a bunch of wires and piping which is buried underground, and on a second glance it’s much the same thing! Accept you’ll notice a childish comparison with a set of ‘Stargates’! Call me old fashioned, but I can look for invisible stuff in my loft!!!
What’s the game plan, what are you attempting to achieve?” The manager asks the man in charge of accelerators, and all things that whizz about at high speed. “Awwww, you’re gonna love this,” replies the egg-head. “You’ve gotta think, ‘It’s a knockout’ meets nine undiagnosed bipolar patients, who are all in a high phase of their disorder.” “Go on,” says the manager. “Well, what we are atttempting to do is line up a couple of proton beams. Now, in a normal size lab that’s a piece of cake. The challenge we have with this project is, it’s a bit like firing shed load needles across the Atlantic and getting them to collide at the half way mark.” “Really! That is fascinating,” replies the folding-money provider. But what if your plan goes breasts uppermost?” “Well, Geneva gets a brand new underground system pal!” I say again. Water, people, drought conditions…
Being bipolar – it isn’t a gay bear issue!
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