Well now it’s just getting plain silly. What used to sound like, neee-narrr, neee-narrr will now sound like, pufff-cofff pufff-cofff, and you’ll find your house has been surrounded by the Smoke Police!
I received a letter from my landlord some months back, which informed me that I could no longer smoke in my communal entrance and stairwell but, I could still smoke in my flat. Oh grow up! If you take it too its literal meaning, I can be fined for lighting up in the stairwell, but not if I’m standing at my front door blowing smoke out into the communal space! And don’t get me started on the bus stop malarkey!
Oh yes, wait until we’re all hooked on the stuff, and then start moving the goalposts, very smug right around election time. Even though I smoke, like a smoker who has just been informed that last years tobacco crop has failed, I do take into consideration where I am and who is near me when I smoke. I agreed when the top deck of a bus was a made a smoke free zone. I was also glad when my addiction was banned on the tubes, although it wasn’t banned for personal health reasons, it was banned because of the fire risk (quite handy though wasn’t it). However, when the ban reached the pub circuit I had to stick my oar in, because I had a vivid picture of what was to come.
Have we all sat around the table, and by we, I mean the smokers and non smokers, the NHS and the tobacco companies, to deal with this situation? If we have, I don’t remember the lengthy debate or being invited. Go on, ban smoking entirely, I dare you, and let’s see how much you’ve got left in the Government coffers at the end of the first year! And while you’re at it, let’s ban alcohol too! I agree smoking is bad for your health, but there must be a fairer way of resolving this. Perhaps the tobacco companies would like to make a donation to the NHS, on a regular basis, to aid finding a cure for lung cancer! After all, it’s their product that is mostly blamed for this disease.
Did I signed up for the bonus chemicals when I started smoking? No! Was I informed about them on the packet? No, not until about a decade ago. Is the packet large enough to print the entire contents of tobacco on? Doubt it! All I want is the nicotine. We’ve gone from a second hand smoke tactic, to a third hand smoke scare tactic, and at that point I was waiting for a news flash telling me that I couldn’t smoke in front of my cats! The next plan is to ban smoking in your vehicle, the one you paid for! And this will come with the message that it’s just one more place where your kiddy-winks can inhale your smoke. Now hang about, what about all that bonus carbon monoxide that’s floating about when the kids walk to school or are out playing? And what about the toxic fumes caused by industry? You wait, the next thing the smoker will be blamed for is global warming, I’d put money on it. Now, obviously I’ve thought long and hard about what’s coming next! So here it comes…
If the Smoke Police are given more power, things are going to look like this in the future: all crematoria will be closed down. Well, that’s a ninety-a-day habit right there. All working chimneys will be detained under the, ‘I can’t believe it’s gone far act’, of 2012. And you can forget all about burning mad cows – from now on they will have to be boiled. Naughty volcanoes will be arrested on site if they so much as cough, and, bloody and now then, Fireman will only be able to attend a blaze if smoke is present.
Moving swiftly on, you won’t be able to buy smoked ham, trout and sausages, herring or salmon either. And you can forget all about smokey bacon crisps too! All of Mr. Robinson’s record covers will have to be reprinted. Deep Purple’s hit will just be called, On the Water, from now on, and you won’t be able to get a copy of Smoke gets in your Eyes, for love nor money! And what about the cost to industry? Smoke detectors will have nothing to detect and will be made redundant. Bespoke tailors will have to remove certain items in their range, leaving the customer with no choice but to buy just, a jacket! So there you go…
Right I’m off, I got two free tickets to see Lock, Stock and Two Barrels
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