Now you may have noticed that global warming has dropped off the ‘important list’ in the news, so what’s replaced it?  Eruptions and earth quakes, that’s what!  Why?  Well that’s what happens when you start messing with the smokers of the world!  Some have even been driven to smoking under water!  Well how else do you explain the smoke stacks under the sea?  Oh yeah, it’s an underground movement now you know, and someones gonna pay

 As a direct result of a biased ban on choking yourself to death or a long-term suicide bid, as it has been called, smokers have been forced to take action.  And look what’s happened, you can’t get a flight in Europe for love nor money!  The Smoke Police were fuming when it all kicked off, but once the toxicology unit steamed in and dowsed them down they felt much better.  So much so, that they surrounded the volcano in Iceland, and arrested it. 

As I’ve said before ‘Puff Patrols’ are on the look out for all smoke related incidences to knock up their arresting figures.  The music industry is just one of sectors that has been affected recently, and David Bowie isn’t happy with the outcome.   – – -es to – – -es, is what is says on the front cover of one of his greatest hits, just because the title contains the word ‘ash’.  It is a ridiculous state of affairs I’m sure you will agree. 

Religion has been affected too.  What was, Ash Wednesday is now just, Plain ‘ld Wednesday, and there is now a blanket ban on Smokey Bacon flavoured crisps in schools.   But hey, on the upside, the Noise Abatement Society and their members have never had it so good.  People living under the direct flight path to all main airports can actually hear themselves think for once.   

For the travellers stuck at the airports it is a pain I’m sure.  I’ve heard them complaining on the various news channels, “I was hoping to see my relatives,” one passenger said.  And another couple remarked, “This was supposed to be a trip of a lifetime.”  Well it’s a trip all right, but at least you’ll still be ALIVE at the end of it!  Then they started moaning about how much money they had spent!  YES… BUT AT LEAST YOU ARE STILL ALIVE!!!  

Wind is what everyone is hoping for it seems.  So I have a plan to sort that out.  Tonight, if you could all stand on your roofs, at about midnight, and blow like fuck in the direction of Iceland, that should clear things up by the morning!  The airports have their own contingency plan (singular) EVERYONE WILL BE DELAYED UNTIL THE BASTARD STOPS ERUPTING, THANK YOU.  Passengers may get some comfort in knowing that the Red Bull Air Race is still going ahead, and I hear that hot air balloons are doing a roaring trade!  And pumice sales have never been better.  

All flights are cancelled until 1pm (UK time) tomorrow/today, depending on when you read this.  That’s what I like to see, hope if the face of total adversity!  Have you ever heard such a crock of horseshit?  That puppy has been belching out smoke, ash and lave for the past three days, and it’s more active now than when it first started erupting!    The last time it went off, it carried on for nearly a year, so don’t give me any of that 1 o’clock rubbish.  Where’s Red Adair when you need him?

Just a thought… Would the Psoriasis Society ever consider promoting a scratch card?

This entry was posted on Sunday, April 18th, 2010 at 2:54 am and is filed under Neils Blog. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.