Terrorists Earlier Today. - Stoke Highstreet
The unrest between Al Qaeda and Britain’s suicide bombers continues today, as a second round of talks begins, in an attempt to thrash out a deal on the shortage of virgins allotted to the bombers in the afterlife.
The workers came back to the table with a list of demands that the management say are impossible meet during a recession. Shop steward, Ali Pali said yesterday, “All we want is a fair crack of the whip, and get what other suicide bombers are receiving in terms of pay and working conditions.” Osama Bin Laden was reported as saying, “We simply can’t afford to increase the worker’s pay at the moment, because quite simply they’re not hitting their monthly targets, look at the cock up at Glasgow airport for example.” He went on to say, “It would be financial suicide for the company if we were to raise the wages of our employees during a credit crunch, as it is we are buying explosives that have past their sell-by date in a bid to reduce cost, and save jobs.
The rift between the two sides seems to be widening, and complaints about the suicide bomber’s training came to light last Tuesday. “Saying, three… two… one… BANG, in a loft in Huddersfield, simply isn’t good enough,” said one union leader, “The cramped conditions, and lack of decent detonators is only adding to the bomber’s demoralisation.”
The management have offered a job share scheme, continental shifts, a subsidised canteen, grenade vouchers, and a ‘take your child to work’ day. The suicide bombers are asking for a 34 and half hour week, six weeks paid holiday, four weeks sick pay, at least 2 duvet days a month and, if they work on Sundays, they want the overtime rate to be increased to a time and a half. However, the overriding grievance is still over the promise of pukka virgins, not a bunch of mingers. The management say they have always maintained that insuring every virgin is a page three stunner is vitually impossible, as some of the parents fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. Some of the suicide bombers in Wood Green say, it’s not been the same since we went metric.
A group of disgruntled bombers in Edmonton had this to say. “It’s always the same when one of our members is promoted from the shop floor to the office. They lose touch with the needs of the lower ranks, and it’s about time the top brass came back to the shop floor, to see for themselves what we have to deal with on a day to day basis. Simple things like a space in the car park would go a long way to end the strike, as it is, the ones that we have been afford have got bloody great craters in them.” And one of the bombers, who blew himself up recently, and wasn’t working that day, left a message on his website saying, “If it’s so bloody good in the afterlife, why hasn’t Osama Bin Laden blown himself up? Makes you think doesn’t it…
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