A disgruntled Bertie Basset attempts to pacify a Kraft Cheese and Cadbury Flake exchanging fisticuffs whilst Her Majesty the Queen looks on in disgust earlier today, near an abandoned Woolworths, Stoke
I can tell you now I’m not ‘appy. Why? Well I’ll tell you – pull up a patio…
Now then, it seems that because the Americans haven’t got much history and culture to speak of, they want to buy up some of ours and show it off to their friends. I don’t mean the man on the street, I mean the big boys, the ones with an inordinate amount of cashy-wonga to throw about. I mean sweet Jesus, we’ve got bloody trees in this country that are older than parts of the USA, for God’s sake! So please Kraft, do the decent thing and take your takeover deal and poke it up yer poo-shoot, I don’t give a shit if it is signed and sealed.
I can tell you now, if the Kraft deal goes through, and they take over our iconic British company, I’ll never buy another product it makes again. And I’m not the only one who feels this way. So Kraft, beware, plans are afoot and a half, to bollocks up your Easter parade matey-boy – you have been warned!
Not only will the Krafty bastards be messing with British nostalgia, they will be trashing part of my history and upbringing. There is, was, a sense of ‘family’ in the Cadbury name, and an air of safety and trust that spread right across the generations. When I was growing up it was boys up trees with cap and spud guns, and the girly-girls played with their dolls and read the latest Janet and John book, and a Mars bar would cost you a tanner, or sixpence in real money. Dogging hadn’t been invented, and no one knew what a paedophile was. There were adverts for Roundtrees fruit gums, with the signature tune, “Don’t forget the fruit gums mum,” as she disappeared out of the garden gate, and headed off the sweetshop that just sold SWEETS! Forget the fruit gums today, and the kid will crap in your handbag! Why? E numbers! Didn’t have ’em in my day. It’s all wrong, it’s all so wrong.
I mean where can you get a decent packet of Spangles now-a-days, or a quarter of Rainbow sherbet? And, bloody and now then, what about Army and Navy tablets, what’s happened to those? And you try buying a packet of Glees! Starburst! Bloody STARBURST! No, no, no, no, no, they’re Opal Fruits mate, and they ‘were’ made to make your mouth water. I am incensed, I really am. Snickers, your ‘aving a larff uncha! Blue smarties, I don’t think so, I throw them away! And who’s bright idea was it to put an antioxidant in my crisps? It’s not as if they’re going to rust, is it!
It’s true to say that what I know about business or how to run one, could be tattooed on bat’s butt however, what I do know is, people are more important than great big piles of paper with the Queen’s head stamped all over them. Two of my pet hates are, bullshit and liars, and Kraft seem to excel in both of these qualities, and, and, they appear to have a trail of debt behind them, so how are they allowed to keep buying up other firms. They bought up Terry’s chocolate, and shut it down, and then moved the business abroad. From what I gather Kraft had promised Cadbury’s and their staff all sorts, I’ll tell you now, I bet Berty Basset wouldn’t have swallowed it.
On a serious note, my heart goes out to the workers at Bourneville, some of whom have been employed for over 30 years. Can you imagine the scene at the dole office? “What was your last job? “Chocolate maker, man and boy.” “Have you thought about moving into IT consultancy?” “What’s that then?” If Bourneville shuts down, that’s 5000 jobs gone over night. But what some fail to take into consideration is that the total number affected by such action is far higher. One redundant dad equals a whole family left suffering from the fall out. I can’t believe the Cadbury family would want that, not after their history. Take the figure of 5000 and times that by the amount of people it really affects, it could top 18,000 mark. It’s nothing short of tragic, and for what, a great big pile of beer vouchers. And don’t get me started on the mental health repercussions, the NHS will be swamped with new clients! So come Cadbury’s, it’s time to get back on the board of directors, after all, you don’t want to be left with cream egg on your face do you…
Right I’m off, I’ve got a sudden urge to lick all of the windows at Stansted… BB
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