Suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife.  In other parts of the world a ‘go slow’ is already in operation.  Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement. 

Problems began on MichaelmasThursday, when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% in February 2010, from 72 to only 60.5  The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the amount of suicide bombings, and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.  Union members are said to be up in arms and down in legs, and a spokesperson from Y FRONTS R US said they have noticed a fall in sales already, they are worried  that the bottom will drop out of the market.    A market research Analyst said, “The figures have been blown up out of all proportion.”  

The suicide bombers’ union, the British Organisation of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action.  General secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, “Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of jihad.  We don’t ask much in return but to be treated like this by the management is the last straw, and if they try to take our tea breaks away there will be trouble.”

Mr Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins, but pointed out that cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce and not by the management.  “Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was allocated an annual bonus of 24,000 virgins,” complains Amir.  “And let’s face it, all of the pretty ones go to the guys at the top of the pyramid.  How can Al Qaeda afford that for members of management but not for the 72 people who do the real work?” 

Speaking from a kipper splitting factory in Bognor, Al Qaeda CEO Osama bin-Laden explained, “We sympathise with our workers, however, Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands.  They are simply not accepting the realities of a modern-day jihad, in a competitive marketplace.  Thanks to western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife, and Haringey.  It’s a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off.  I don’t like cutting wages, but I’d hate to have to inform 3,489 of my staff  that they won’t be able to blow themselves up, they would go to pieces.  He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to attract good fanatical clerics.  “How am I supposed to attract the best people if I can’t compete with the private sector.”  Asked Mr Bin-Laden.

Talks broke down today after management’s last-ditch proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to agree on orifice allocation quotas.  One virgin, who didn’t want to be named said, “I’ll be buggered if I’m agreeing to anything like that, it’s to much to swallow, and besides, what would the neighbours think?”  

Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide bombers will put down their explosives at midday on Monday.  Most branches are supporting the strike.  Only the north London branch, which has a different union, is likely to continue working.  However, some members of that branch will only be using half-strength explosives, in order to express solidarity with their striking brethren… Further talks will be held next week.

This entry was posted on Sunday, January 10th, 2010 at 2:20 am and is filed under Neils Blog. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.