Apparently you can’t blame it on the boogie so what did cause Michael Jackson’s (MJ) death?  Was it the painkillers or polymeric poisoning?  I don’t think we’ll ever know and it’s that doubt and uncertainty that will secure his name in music’s hall of fame.

Yes he was very good at what he did and I saw him during his Bad tour at Wembley but honestly, if he was an average Joe on the street and you discovered his best friend was a primate, he kept manikins in his house and then he dangled one of his children out of a window I’m sure even Haringey council would’ve jumped all over the situation and sectioned him.   So the media circus begins…

There wasn’t a will and now one’s turned up.  Who cares!  Mind you I don’t think his dad was too chuffed find out he didn’t get a mention.  But I thought it was a great bench mark of what’s to come when Jackson senior chose an interview about his son’s death to advertise his new record company – nice to share a moment like that with the family and the media but mostly the media me thinks.  I want to know who’s going to get rights to advertise on the coffin?  It won’t be Shell that’s for sure!

His promoter must’ve nearly had a coronary when he heard the news.  Not for the sake of the family’s loss, I mean shit what are you going to do with 5o million quids worth of ticket sales?  Well for a start you sit on the money for a week before making an announcement that everyone will get their money back.  The interest on that amount of wonga  would be obscene.  The cash made from the interest goes towards your next great wheeze.  “What can we do?”  “Ooh I know let’s say the fans can have ‘the choice’ to either keep the tickets as a memento or they can cash them in.  Then announce a few days later that they’ll be worth a small fortune on Ebay for collectors.”  Aaah confusion, it works every time.  Well bollocks mate I want my 70 quid back thanks!

The latest hoot to save Randy Phillips jacksey, (MJ’s promoter) is to release a video from the rehearsals prior to the tour opening.  Oh how sincere.  “We’ve ‘sweetened’ Michael’s voice for the video,” he said.  What he actually means is they’ve remixed it so they can flog it.   Add that to his back catalogue being played to death and selling out in the shops and you’ve pretty much got your money back.

So where will it go from here, well sky’s the limit I reckon.  The conspiracy theories I guess.  Is his dead?  It’s very handy if you re in debt by a few mill to snuff it like that.  I mean he had the green backs to change his fizz-og.  What’s to say he hasn’t done it again and now living in Balham?  Was it him at the O2 arena advertising his up and coming tours?  It could’ve been a double quite easily, cheeky but possible.  I think for all of the answers and more someone will have to set up an interview with Bubbles before he begins to work on what he’s going to say at the memorial!

So what do you think, I’d be really interested to know…

PS  I might add this to my list of quotes…  “You speak words but emotions are radiated.”  Not bad for an ex mental.

Bipolar Bill, sane and sober.

Well smiler did it, 6-2  6-3  6-4 what ever that means.  During his interview after the match I almost saw him grin.  Mind you I think he could’ve beaten Troicki, the well known spelling mistake with both hands tied behind his back  using his old chap as the racket!  It’s all down to the seeding apparently.  So if you are a 3 seed and your opponent is seeded at 30 does the higher seeded player have to play with a heavier racket to balance out the figures or weighted shoes perhaps?   Please see Sticks and Twigs to make sense of that.  

One last point before I have knit my lunch, they didn’t use the new Wimbers umbrella I see.  Eighty million pounds well spent I reckon!  Could’ve built part of an NHS hospital for that but silly me, the NHS in Wimbers, oh no, no, no, no, no.  All right then a day unit for BUPA patients who strained their upper limbs opening and closing their wallets on court No. 1.      Catcha laters BB (“,)

Well it didn’t take long did it.  Four days in fact.  We began Wimbledon with almost 11 whole British players but by the Thursday we were down to Mr Happy who as we know is Scottish.   Yes folks it’s that cheap day out for the English middle classes, lawn tennis but what has happened to the lithe like players we’re used to seeing on the grass at wimbers?

I think I need to pay a visit to Spec savers you know.  I turned my TV on a few days ago and I could swear there was a silver back waving a racket about.  It was grunting like a gorilla but it was wearing a skirt and a headband, turns out it was Dominguez Lino!  Well I wouldn’t like to meet it down a dark alley after closing time, Jesus she’s built like a brick outhouse.  If I didn’t know better I’d say she’d over done it on the old steroids.  

So what do you make of the new roof then?  Call me Mr Picky but it does seem like a huge outlay just to shield the upper classes from a down pour of liquid sunshine.  The other courts well, who cares about the riff raff getting rained off!  So what it really boils down too is a nice covering for the people in most expensive seats in the house which in-turn guarantees one live match on television.  Oh yes, the haves and have nots society is alive and well in dear old Blighty.    

If you fancy popping along for that cheap day out I mentioned and you don’t mind queuing over night here’s a general look at what it might set you back going on this Sundays prices (28/06/09.  Oiks, plebs, the unemployed, nurses and all supermarket staff need not apply.  Okay, I’ve worked this out for a family of four, mater, pater and two dustbins.

Drinks:  (Mum and dad)  2 glasses of champaign £24.00.  (The kids) 2 glasses of Robinson’s Barley Water £3.oo

Lunch:  (Mum)  Tuna and cucumber baggette £4.90.  (Dad) Fish & Chips £6.30.  (Child 1)  Hot £3.00.  (Child 2) 6oz Cheeseburger + fries  £6.30.  Strawberries & Cream x 4  £9.00.   Total £56.50.  Tickets: £62.00 x 4.  £248.00. Travel: £50.00 +.  Overall cost: £354.50. 

Well worth the money!  As I type Murray is warming up his balls so I’ll leave an update comment after the match if that’s okay as I need to eat and have a kip, well it’s not my fault I’ve got a broken sleep pattern God damn it…

Bipolar Bill is still in the building, cos if I’d left the building I’d be outside – WHAT!

Oh you ladies are going to love this.  I read it and laughed out loud, if it wasn’t written in all seriousness I don’t think it would be as funny as it is.  This piece was sent to me by a friend and its an article that was in Housekeeping  Monthtly  on the 13th of May 1955.   Grid your loins girls it was written by a female and it’s called, The Good Wife’s Guide…

1.  Have dinner ready.  Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return.  This is a way of letting him know that you’ve been thinking of him and are concerned for his needs.  Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite) is part of the warm welcome needed.

2.  Prepare yourself.  Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives.  Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking.  He has just been with a lot of work weary people.

3.  Be a little gay and more interesting for him.  His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.  Clear away clutter.  Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.  Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper etc and then run the dust-cloth over the table.

4.  Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire.  Your husband will feel hehas reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give him a lift too.  After all catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

5.  Prepare the children.  Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and if necessary, change their clothes.  They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing their part.  Minimise all noise.  At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum.  Try to encourage the children to be quiet.

6.  Be happy to see him.  Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.  Listen to him.  You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time.  Let him talk first – remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours. 

7.  Make the evening his.  Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you.  Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.

8.  Don’t greet him with complaints and problems.

9.  Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night.  Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.  Make himcomfortable.  Have him lean back in a comfortablechair or have him lie down in the bedroom.  Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.

10.  Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes.  Speak to him in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.  Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgement or integrity.  Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness.  You have no right to question him.

11.  A good wife always knows her place. 

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear – how did you lot get this far?  Don’t worry girls I shall redress the imbalance in this article and post an up to dated version later to night.  It’s something I’ve sent to newly weds in the past by way of a more personalised gift.  Right, now all I’ve got to do is pick one…

Laters…

Just before we start I’d like say well done to the English cricket team.  I’ve heard of them being beaten by many teams in the past – but the Netherlands, really!  What a bunch of full tossers.  

Anyway, my rant this session is aimed at the advertising industry.  Have you ever reacted to and advert and thought, “I simply must get one of those right now.”  Unless I’ve been caught out by subliminal cuts I don’t think I have so far.  Mmmm, more shopping channels please Mr Ad Man!  They’re enough to make you puke.  What’s worse than the ads themselves is that people held board meetings over some of the most sickly of adverts.  Then they hired a team of script writers in and some poor Doris had to go into a recording studio to round off the campaign.    

Perhaps it’s because I’m older that I feel the need to turn down the sound on my TV when the most inane ads catch me by surprise?  No, I think it’s just the fact that I really don’t want my ears offended by utter drivel for three minutes.  And what better way to ruin a film than by putting an ad break in every 15 minutes, God they’re some sick people about.  Things got far worse when cable TV hit the screens.  I don’t know about you but on more than one occasion I’ve been sucked into a great programme but when the ads came on they ran for so long I’d forgotten what I was watching! 

Of course your worst case scenario is a bum down, feet up and a plate of food on chest situation.  And there are sensors in you televisions that pick up such a setting.  [Thinks: did I have my Tamazapam top this morning?]  As I laid into my spaghetti bolognese I was subject to the longest senna pod ad in the known world and this was followed by an ad for Imodium. 

I don’t watch a lot of daytime TV, that’s probably why I’m still alive and have a fully functioning brain but if you time it wrong in the mornings you can be bombarded by a host of rubbish while you’re eating your breakfast.  Again this situation revolves around knowing exactly where the remote is.  In one sitting I subjected to four ads in a row.  The first was for verrucas, the next was for ear wax, the third warned me about female bloating and the final ad gave me a detailed run down on thrush!  It put me right off my crumpets I have to say.  And who names these products for the ladywomen?  A standup comedian I reckon.  Vagisil – ewwwww!  I’m all for equality but I think it’s time the ladies downbelow ads were on a separate channel! 

I’m sure someone sits in a small office somewhere deep in the bowels of ad HQ and makes these symptoms up you know.  I mean, not only do the fairer sex get bloating but they also suffer from bladder weakness and an over active bladder too!  The men have a similar complaint, it’s called 16 pints of Stella.   And don’t get me started on Wind Ezee!  The one set of ads I can’t abide are the ones aimed at the dozier housewife who thinks that her house smells so they feel obliged to cover the pong with another smell.  God, they are relentless.  If  your walking past my house you’ll hear much swearing when a glade advert appears on my television, aaaaaaargh!  My stock phrase for such ads is aways the same, “Open a fucking window you twatbag!”    And bloody and, now there’s a Glade pong pot with a motion detector!  What I want to know is how the hell does it know when you’re in the bog?  Nuff said.

A.O. B.

Name check: Sepp Blatter.  Sounds like something you’d stick down the toilet.

I know who put the ‘sod’ in Sensodyne but I’m not sure who put the ‘fun’ in funerals.  Scunthorpe – I’m not prepared to go there.

I’ve been here while you’ve been out there…    Take the next few days of and enjoy the rest,  Bipolar Bill (“,)

Moving swiftly on – ball terminology.

The spinners: formally an Irish folk band.

Seam bowlers: men who bowl their balls to close to their trousers.

In swingers: trendy players with open relationships.

Googleys: damaged testicles.

Ball tampering: oooh yes please.

Out for a duck: visiting a Chinese take-away.

Caught short: looking for the toilets.

A slash off the outside stump: finding the toilets.

The crease: something that needs ironing.

An over: opposite to an under.

A Yorker: half a Yorkie bar.

Now, if you’re ever unlucky enough to be strapped to a chair and forced to watch an entire game make sure you have plenty of food in the house.  You might find this hard to believe but some games can go on for five days, and bloody and, there’s a still a chance that the match will end in a draw!  I mean, what’s the point in breathing, you might as well toss a coin at the beginning to get a result and save a lot of tedious commentary and air time.   As you will soon learn ousting the opposition from the sacred sticks and twigs is a lengthy process and here’s just some of the reasons that can prolong the game.

Players being ‘in’ – Bowlers with no arms – Bowlers without a ball – Team members with the wrong leg weights on – Team members with only one leg weight on – Lunch – Tea – A batsman or Bowler with rickets/Parkingsons disease –  No batsmen – Having the runs – A seagull on the top on a No. 23 bus – A Yorkshire terrier on the field – Rice Crispies that are past their sell-by-date – A square ball and finally – death.

So, to sum up, your side goes ‘in.’  And your opponents try to get you ‘out.”  They go ‘in’ and then you try to get them ‘out’ – it’s simplicity itself really!  And let’s not forget the sportsmanship of the game, even if the criminals beat us in the Ashes tournament we still keep the trophy in this country!

Well I’m glad I’ve cleared that up for you and the next time you find yourself watching the cricket scores on TV could one of you let me know if we win!!!

Hope you all have a ginger and peachy weekend, Bipolar Bill has left the pavilion…

Okay let’s move onto some more terminology now and demistify the names and the position of the players and officials on the field.  First off all I like to say that the game isn’t played on a field as such, if it was there would be a lot of angry farmers cribbing on about how poor they are and how it doesn’t help when their corn fields have been flattened by a bunch of nancy-boys dressed in white, with make up on, and their fans.   No, overall the game, if that’s what you can call it, is played on a well kept lawn by one man who trims each blade of grass by hand. 

The jumper wearer: (umpire) A hat wearing idiot who may or may not have stones in his pocket.  Has been known  to stand on one leg at times and is always waving his arms and hands about.

Keeper of the sticks and twigs: (wicket keeper) Man who takes the sticks and twigs home after each match.

Hurler/chucker: (bowler) Man committing a hand ball offence for most of the match.

Thwacker/thwackee: (batsman/Flying Fox holder) Man on the receiving end of what the hurler throws at  them.

Silly mid-off: (a loose field position) Man hired to spot mentals on the grass.

Deep cover: Made up name.

The out field: (this just in) Team members lazing about in the sunshine waiting for something to happen.

The nightwatchman: Man who scans the pitch looking for signs of the dreaded Rice Crispie mole.

Square leg: Player with deformed quadrilateral muscles, can usually be found wearing four leg weights.

Leg by:  A player’s leg has died.

Cricket box: (goolie saver) A far as I can see this item isn’t box shaped at all.  They tried using a square one but the players found that it chaffed their lallies whilst  they attempted to run between the sticks and twigs.  They’ve been banned in England since 1934 but it’s feared that some countries are still using these dangerous and outmoded wedding tackle protectors.  Many of these players have to retire early and can only wear trousers sold at Milliets.

Other, other terminology:   You can hit a six and a four, how or where these runs are counted are simply made up on the day by the bloke with the stones in his pocket.  You can’t hit a ‘two,’ this a manual act employed to keep the crowd awake and some of the team members. 

Being out continued:   You can be caught behind.  This can be painful but not as agonising as having your twigs (bails) whipped off in public.  If you place your leg weight in front of the sticks (stumps), thereby obscuring the sticks from the hurlers view you are deemed ‘out’ by the jumper wearer.  Hitting the jumper wearer will also put you in the position of being ‘out’ as will calling him a, “Wang-aaaaah,” when you think you should still be ‘in.’ 

French cricket:    It’s for poofs, that’s why they play it.

Ham and cucumber sandwich anyone?

The paraphernalia continued:  the ball.  Plain and simple this, no probs here accept the shape and size of course.  The weight must be between 5.5 and 5.75 ounces and measure no more or less than between 8 inches and 3/16’ths and nine inches in circumference, and of course it must be round execpt the bumpy bit that’s sometimes called, the seam, again no one seems to know why.  All cricketers have their balls weighed before, during and after a match and ball tampering is only permitted in the showers.  The ball may only be struck with or by a thwacker or basher (Flying Fox) held by an opposing team member, here known as a, thwackee or bashee who is ‘in.’  With the game well and truely underway by 11.30 am the chucker or hurler attemps to get the opposing player ‘out.’   So effectively you’re ‘in’ and then you’re ‘out’ and then you do the Hokey Cokey and spin about usually heading for the beer tent. 

Players standing in the ‘out field’ [ nope haven’t got a clue where that is either!] largely read the paper or have a nice sit down can be any height, weight or stature.  However the team who have to run up and down on the Rice Crispie patch have strict guidelines to follow rather like that of a Jockey and his horse.  In the early days of the game a teams kit comprised of nothing more than a hemp scarf but now-adays things have changed.  And the thwacker’s kit has altered the most.  It now comprises of a white helmet, shirt and jumper, a pair of strides and a pair of boots and in some cases a flak jacket too.   The mistake most people make is assuming that what the thwacker wears on his legs are worn as some form of protection against being hit by the ball.   What were thought to be ‘pads’ by the untrained eye are in fact leg weights, this makes sure that no one side has an advantage over the other when running between the Sticks and Twigs.  It also regulates the wear and tear on the Rice Crispie patch.  

Oooh, time for tea and tiffin me thinks…