Okay let’s move onto some more terminology now and demistify the names and the position of the players and officials on the field. First off all I like to say that the game isn’t played on a field as such, if it was there would be a lot of angry farmers cribbing on about how poor they are and how it doesn’t help when their corn fields have been flattened by a bunch of nancy-boys dressed in white, with make up on, and their fans. No, overall the game, if that’s what you can call it, is played on a well kept lawn by one man who trims each blade of grass by hand.
The jumper wearer: (umpire) A hat wearing idiot who may or may not have stones in his pocket. Has been known to stand on one leg at times and is always waving his arms and hands about.
Keeper of the sticks and twigs: (wicket keeper) Man who takes the sticks and twigs home after each match.
Hurler/chucker: (bowler) Man committing a hand ball offence for most of the match.
Thwacker/thwackee: (batsman/Flying Fox holder) Man on the receiving end of what the hurler throws at them.
Silly mid-off: (a loose field position) Man hired to spot mentals on the grass.
Deep cover: Made up name.
The out field: (this just in) Team members lazing about in the sunshine waiting for something to happen.
The nightwatchman: Man who scans the pitch looking for signs of the dreaded Rice Crispie mole.
Square leg: Player with deformed quadrilateral muscles, can usually be found wearing four leg weights.
Leg by: A player’s leg has died.
Cricket box: (goolie saver) A far as I can see this item isn’t box shaped at all. They tried using a square one but the players found that it chaffed their lallies whilst they attempted to run between the sticks and twigs. They’ve been banned in England since 1934 but it’s feared that some countries are still using these dangerous and outmoded wedding tackle protectors. Many of these players have to retire early and can only wear trousers sold at Milliets.
Other, other terminology: You can hit a six and a four, how or where these runs are counted are simply made up on the day by the bloke with the stones in his pocket. You can’t hit a ‘two,’ this a manual act employed to keep the crowd awake and some of the team members.
Being out continued: You can be caught behind. This can be painful but not as agonising as having your twigs (bails) whipped off in public. If you place your leg weight in front of the sticks (stumps), thereby obscuring the sticks from the hurlers view you are deemed ‘out’ by the jumper wearer. Hitting the jumper wearer will also put you in the position of being ‘out’ as will calling him a, “Wang-aaaaah,” when you think you should still be ‘in.’
French cricket: It’s for poofs, that’s why they play it.
Ham and cucumber sandwich anyone?
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