At the start 2007, here in the UK, a bunch of vote-seeking non-smoking puritans decided that our smoking ban should be extended. And like all power-crazed maniacs, I can’t help feel that they haven’t looked at the long term effects of their actions.
Some bright spark informed an underling to slap a ‘No Smoking’ sign on the door to the entrance of the communal stairway of my flats. And it says, ‘It is against the law to smoke in the common areas of this premises’.
Now, at a guess, I’d say that this sticker must have cost around 2p to produce. Multiply that by the amount of flats in England, and that’s going to work out to a heap of cash – a waste of cash in fact. I have, on occasions, lit up in this stairwell while talking to my neighbour, who also smokes. And despite this act of ‘not giving a shit’, neither of us has been arrested by the ‘Smoke Police’!
The ban here began with a no smoking policy on all forms of public transport, and I can live with that. Not even I want to sit in a carriage full of smoke. Then the ban was aimed squarely at the pubs, clubs and restaurant, and other public places of entertainment. Fine, I can understand and deal with that too. Still, it is a shame to see all those pubs close down, especially in our current financial trend. You would have thought that Government would be grateful of the extra revenue. Still, they know best I suppose!!! However, the way the ‘fresh air freaks’ are heading now; you’ll get banged up for smoking in front of your cat!
So, here’s the latest list concocted by the ‘Anti-smokers Nazi League’, and as you might have guessed, it’s just getting sillier…
If you’re a specialist tobacconist, as of the 9/3/11, you will be forced to rip out your shop front and replace your clear windows with frosted ones. The reason – so that your wears are out of view of the public. Well slap my thighs with a bee’s tabard, all the privacy an armed robber needs to turn the place over! Initially, smoked glass was to be used, but it was deemed to unhealthy for flies.
In April 2012, all supermarkets will have to remove their cigarette cabinet and place the contents under the counter. And in 2015, all of the smaller shops must follow suit. This would make cigarettes the ‘new porn’ surely?
And the next stage well, this really is a piece of work. Every scrape of recognisable packaging is to be removed, leaving you with a plain packet. Top marks! No printing costs equals cheaper cigarettes!!! There may be a little bit of aggravation ordering your stock but, never the less, well done.
I don’t no about you, but I am a tad pissed off with these faces arses, who earn more money than I’ll see in a lifetime, telling me how to live my life. I see no plans to drive the wine and Bollinger brigade under the counter, despite the fact alcohol causes as many, if not more, problems as cigarettes!
Get this, the cheeky bastards. A survey undertaken by another bunch of invisibles profoundly stated that it was the lower classes who smoke more, which obviously make us their problem! What a bloody surprise! Who’s first in line for the chop when a firm goes under? The guys on the bench. Can we sit back, safe in the knowledge our mortgage payment can be met, and wait to be head-hunted? No!
If these so-called well educated people think they’ve got a problem with funding hospitals now, imagine how surprised they’ll be when the next wave of mental health patients starts queuing up in about nine months time.
They could, of course, address the problem of illegal substances. Oh no, hang on, that’s to difficult police isn’t it! “Well, let’s have a pop at something we can control, because we know exactly where the suppliers are. Bang out of order. There’s no doubt, that this scheme will backfire on the Government, and here’s why…
The unemployment figures will rise to an epidemic proportion never before seen in the UK. Already ‘Beep, Beep Bloody Beep’ Ltd, a London based smoke alarm factory, has closed down with a loss of 200 jobs. Less fires – no need for smoke detectors. And, the knock-on effect of this will result in job losses throughout the Fire Brigade service. Already firemen have begun setting fires just to give them something to do. And what will they do when Guy Fawkes is banned?
All Catholic priest will be banned from swinging their incense burners about, in a bid to eliminate the chances that tobacco might have been added surreptitiously. And now the ‘Smoke Nazis’ are investigating third hand smoke. And if they can prove it’s as harmful as second hand smoke, all crematoriums will be closed down forthwith, fifthwith in some cases!
Then of course, as if they haven’t had a hard enough time of it already, the nation’s fishermen and wet fish shop owners will face a new problem. Oh yes, you can kiss goodbye to smoked haddock, mackeral, salmon, trout, and herrings and kippers madam, far to dangerous!
The Police force and Army will have to restock part of their arsenal of weapons with Smoke Bomb ‘lights’. Tear gas, however is perfectly fine. And the ban is set to hit the drinks industry for a second time, as Smokey Bacon Crisps will be withdrawn as they may be a danger to children.
Working in a nuclear plant is quite safe apparently, but you can’t smoke inside one, as it may give you cancer!!! And finally, and most critically, you will be hung for smoking at a windswept bus stop shelter. However, step one pace to the left or right of the wind tunnel, and you will be perfectly within the law of the land…
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