Honestly, if you lot did as you were told, we would all get on so much better!!! 

[Runs away, in case wedding tackle is removed by a rampaging mob in comfortable shoes.]

Hey, don’t have a go at me, I’m just quoting from a piece written in a magazine!  And, it was scribed by a lady-women.  It just goes to show that the modern woman has lost all sense of femininity and how to care for her man.  You can call me what you like, it’s all here in the Housekeeping Monthly from the 13th of May, 1955.  So, take note all you brides to be, this is how it should be done, from an extract called, The Good Wife’s Guide.

Have dinner ready: plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return.  This is a way off letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs.  Most men are hungry when they come home and they prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite) is part of the warm welcome needed.  [Now ladies, what’s so difficult about that?] 

Prepare yourself: take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be fresh when he arrives.  Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking.  He’s just been with a lot of work-weary people. [Again, it’s not hard is it!]

Be little gay and a little more interesting for him.  [Quite right too.]  His boring day may need a lift, and it’s one of your duties to provide it. [See, that’s what I mean ladies!!!]  Clear away clutter.  Make one last trip to through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.  Gather up school books, [if you don’t have children borrow some] toys, paper etc and then run a duster over the table.  [The words, broom, arse and stick come to mind.]

Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for himto unwind by.  [Undertake this in the front room, not in the garden – I’M JUST SAYING!]  Your husband will feel he has reach a haven of rest and order, and it will give him a lift too.  After all, catering for his comfort will proved you with immense personal satisfaction. 

Prepare the children: take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their cloths.  They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing their part.  [WOT!]   Minimise all noise.  At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum.  And try to encourage the children to be quiet. [Or stop breathing.]

Be happy to see him.  Greet him with a warm smile [well that should be easy to do after all that housework], and show sincerity in your desire to please him.  Listen to him.   You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time.  Let him talk first – remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.  [Now, that is worth making note of girls!] 

Make the evening his.  Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. [Perfectly understandable]  Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to relax.  [Even if he’s on the dole.]

Your goal: try to make sure your home  is a place of peace, order and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.  Don’t greet him with complaints and problems. [How sensible she is.] 

Now, I hope you’re taking notes on all of these points, and if you can make sure to instill the last three issues, I can promise that your man will stay with you forever and ever – you lucky things…

Make him comfortable.  Have him lead back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom.  Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.

Arrange his pillow and offer to take his shoes off.  [Resisting all temptation to smoother the bastard with it.]  Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.  Don’t ask him about his actions or question his judgement or integrity.  Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness.  You have no right to question him.  [And finally…]

A good wife always knows her place. 

Ladies, you have my sympathy…  

 

This entry was posted on Monday, March 7th, 2011 at 5:55 pm and is filed under Neils Blog. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.