Well, I’ve seen pictures of people doing it, and I understand that hundreds of groups do it every weekend; my only thought on the matter is why they would undertake this ridiculous pastime on a regular basis so blatantly?  I’m talking, of course, about the ramblers of the UK.

I mean, the facts and figures speak for themselves, but I believe that almost all of these strolling buffoons have a mental illness that’s gone undiagnosed for decades.  And, you know you’re in trouble when the ramblers of this green and pleasant land have organised – an association!

Can you imagine what the head office is like?  A bunch of knitty-Norah’s, who only listen to Radio Four, are regular church goers and sponsor unknown animal groups from an undiscovered continent on Mars.   Then you have the local groups to contend with, and I can assure you these off-shoots from the main vein will be far worse than the main HQ.

There will be some self-appointed arse and a begrudging wife taking the lead in all cases.  He will decide everything in the group because he had a high-powered job in organising plebs and he’s used to pushing people about and getting his own way.

So, you’ve joined a local ramblers group and you’ve worked out internal hierarchy and now you’ve got to buy yourself  some gear.  Yes, aside from socks, trousers, gloves, boots, a hat, (all water and wind proof I might add), and a walking stick that walks, you’ll need a pedometer.  Quite why you would want to take a pervert with you is beyond me!  

And to complete the list of requirements you need to put one foot in front of the other, you’re going to have to shell out for: a ruck sack big enough to carry an eight-man hurricane tent, a stretcher, at least one iron lung machine, a first-aid kit and possibly a two-seater kayak!  Well, you have to take into account the dangerous aspects of WALKING!!! 

You may be interested to know that you will also be required to take along with you, a bunch of maps, a compass, at least two theodolites, breakfast, dinner and a high tea, a thermos flask for a hot drink, and at least 20 litres of water, along with your over trousers or gaiters.  Well, it’s a hazardous hobby this walking malarkey, deadly in some cases.

Of 39,407 people killed or very, very seriously killed on Britain’s roads in 2002, 8,631 were people who walked about a bit.  And what was the cost of the pedestrian road accident casualties in Britain?  Well, the knock down, rock bottom price is £2.4 billion big ones a year!

A prat or novice walker, usually between the ages of 16 and 32 may try to use a sat nav system if they’re lost.  After all, they know exactly where you are and can take you to where you want to be.  This is bollocks.  In all cases the outcome of using such a device will result in death due to starvation and dehydration or discovering you’ve made it to France, much the same thing really.

I can safely say that, second to potholing, I can’t think of a more selfish and costly pastime than walking a bit and then getting lost of injured.  And all because a rambling cell somewhere in the grimy underworld of Croydon, London enrolled a bunch of fresh-air freaks and radicalised them into believing that they have a right to roam!!!

The cost of finding the daft bastards runs into the thousands each year, and in this country I’m sure the NHS has better things to spend its money on quite frankly.  “Quick, quick, there’s a man who’s injured himself after falling off of a molehill.”  Well worth calling out a fleet of ambulances for!  Meanwhile, somewhere in the centre of town, where you don’t need to be a map reader or rely on grid references, is someone’s mother who’s fallen down the stairs and had a heart attack!!!  Personally, I’d shoot all ramblers at birth.

 

Aquatic Corner

If fish had legs they could walk under water…

 

This entry was posted on Sunday, June 26th, 2011 at 6:36 am and is filed under Neils Blog. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.