I’ve got 250, 000 points on my nectar card, but despite this the cashier at Sainsbury’s insisted I still don’t have enough for a bee hive!
Don’t you wish you knew more about peat bogs? Just me then!
Forty years I’ve been watching Dr Who, and not once have I seen anyone use the bathroom. Well I haven’t!
And another thing… if penguins couldn’t swim they’d drown.
Do alcoholic elephants drink to forget? I’m just saying!!!
Hospital news: need cheering, bored with life on the ward? Forget all about art therapy – Immac a Llama.
If CD’s were square, you’d have to trim the corners off to get them in your player. You bloody would…
Thought for the day: only make rash decisions with people who have rashes.
At what point does a watermark evaporate? It’s being observant that keeps me sane!
Down? Depressed? Losing the will to live but feel the need to smile? Put a coat hanger in your gob.
POEM OF THE WEEK
There once was a girl from Nantucket,
who was scared of kicking the bucket.
She fretted so much, she used drink as a crutch
But in the end she just said f… ..
[I’m sorry my editor won’t allow me to finish this!]
The secret thoughts of a manic depressive…
Day 11: thinks? Better change my boxer shorts I suppose.
Day 12: naaaa – who’s going to know?
Day 13: ooh look – flies!
Day 14: could turn them inside out again?
Day 15: naaaa – I’ll do it tomorrow.
Day 16: thinks? Better change my boxers I suppose.
Day 17: oooh look, a squirrel…
Day 18: I bet he doesn’t have to change his underwear.
Day 19: I wish I was a squirrel.
Is it possible for humans to hear a dog when it whistles?
A female giraffe can’t knit. Fact!
And finally… this just in from the stupid quotation section of ‘Rustic Weekly’… If pots and pans were ‘ifs’ and ‘ands’, there’d be no need for tinkers. What the hell’s that all about!?!
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