So there I was weatherproofing my wedding tackle for the year ahead, when the phone rang…

It was the British MoD, and a Commander ‘I’d like to be the first to stand in front of that tank to protect yoooou sah’ Smythe said, he needed my assistance.  Always keen to help, I asked Loin, my butler, to slap the kettle on, and invited the be meddled war hero over for a spot of tea and tiffin.

The problem inhand concerned the latest defence cuts, and as I was known as for my brain waves in the past, (I had wavy brains as a child you see), Smythe wondered if I had any radical ideas of how to save money from the budget in Afghanistan.  Well, as I’m not a huge fan of shooting, killing and disfiguring people in general, just because some arse in a uniform says it’s okay to do so, I had a detailed plan formed in less than seven seconds.

The war, and any further wars, will now have a new set of rules as of the publishing of this post, and my new scheme will replace all forms of naughty ammunition and explosives, in favour of jokes, games and windups!  Nobody gets hurt, saving valuable medical bills, and everyone has a bloody good laugh.

My first suggestion is to substitute all IED’s (Improvised explosive devices) and landmines with whoopee cushions.  To save any confusion in the scoring at the end of the day, the best ‘thrupping’ noise will register in the language of the respective nations taking part!  Not only will this procedure save our Government a vast amount of cold hard cash, it will also dramatically reduce the loss of limbs, life and and a whole bunch of grief suffered by the soldiers’ families and loved ones.

Now, all small arms fire will be superseded by rounds of one-liners, and in the same vein, any sniper fire will become a well camouflaged game of long-distance marbles!  Should any hand-to-hand combat break out, a neutral judge will   be called upon to preside over a civilised game of conkers, providing that they are in season.  Should they be out of season at the point of conflict, a game game of tiddlywinks will ensue.

Furthermore, bouts of sarcasm will replace all forms of mortar exchanges, using a standard sized megaphone, and any machine gun fire will be replaced in favour of a revised cycling proficiency test, while the riders are under the influence of an alcohol based substance of their choosing.  Moreover, all bazooka usage will be swapped in favour of a wet T shirt competition, and the term ‘friendly fire’ will mean just that.

Grenades containing nitrous oxide will be dropped into enemy territory by a squadron of comically trained parrots, along with a note that says, “Come on over guys, we’re having a barbecue.”  The japes and high jinks that cause the most laughter and smiles will win the confrontation.

So there we are, yet another problem solved by thinking out side of the box.  Right. I’d better slope off, I’ve got to sand down my shins in readiness to receive my second knighthood!  Yeeeeeeeee- harrrrrrrrrr whoop-whoop, tell ya mother ninepence!

This entry was posted on Thursday, January 6th, 2011 at 1:48 am and is filed under Neils Blog. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.