I’m sure you’ve noticed that  a lot of oxygen and money is wasted in the filming of television entertainment, but none more so than during daytime TV.  Quite how the production teams chose what topics to cover is beyond me, and I can only assume they either quaff large amounts of alcohol or take an inordinate quota of ‘Billy whizz’ (Speed) when they brainstorm their ideas…

I guess you have to put yourself in their shoes for a while and take a look at what they have to work with and who might be their target audience.  Students – well, we can forget about them they don’t get up before 3pm.  Who else?  Mums yes, pensioners certainly, a smattering of the ill and fracture patients maybe, the newly dead and the wealthy housewife with nothing better to do than spend hubbies money by inventing new projects to keep  herself occupied.

And it was right there one smart production assistant struck gold.  Forget  about flogging antiques, bat watch updates and repeats about ferret farming, aim for the woman-about-town who wants to move to the country, brilliant!

So what do you need to produce such a televisual feast?  To start with you have to hire a ‘pride’ of hosts who don’t mind repeating themselves every 13 minutes while using every cliché in the book.  (Did you see what I did there?  Oh please yer-selves.  Next track down a constant supply of ladies who live in town-houses who are more than keen to get their phyzogs on national TV and drag hubby along for the ride, and a film crew. 

Overall, the episodes of ‘Escape to the Country’ are clearly for the affluent who love the fact they’ve got wads of cash and don’t mind shouting about.  They are the stars of the show and the host or should I say, victim has to pander to their every whim and need. 

Well, to be honest, he/she doesn’t do any of the background work, that’s what a plethora of unnamed researchers are for, hence the clause in their contracts that reminds them that, “You don’t have a Springer spaniel and a brace of Labradors and bark yourself!”  No, overall, the host is there to keep the peace between the ‘stars’ of the show and the camera crew, because if they can’t make their mind up about a property, everyone has to work late. 

The premise of the programme is simplicity it’s self.  Smugly rich couples, (the wives) put their names forward to appear in the show because they want to swap from the hurley-burly world of town dwelling for a retreat in the countryside.  Now, I’m sure the programme makers want to know the ‘ins’ and ‘outs’ of their prospective buyers, but really what it boils down to this, if you’ve got between £450,000 to a mil to spend, so they can keep the ratings up – come on down.

All they have to do is pick one property out of four, which has be chosen for them to their spec, and at the end of the show say, “Yip, we’ll take that one.”  Do they?  Do they bollocks.  You can almost hear the film crew in the background shouting to one another, “Frank, put the kettle on mate, the silly bint thinks the wallpaper’s to thin!”  So, off we trot along to property No. 1. 

The host reels of a load old cobblers, which is set to big-up the couples wants and needs, and in they go.  It’s set in two acres of land, there are four bedrooms, the view all round is stunning and the bathroom, living room and kitchen are large enough to undertake a three point turn in an Austin Healey 3000. 

Is it suitable for the Pilkington-Smythes?  Well hubby likes it, but he dare not say it out loud or in front to his account-drainer.  Instead, he waits for her view, and then nods approvingly saying things like, “Well spotted dear, and “I hadn’t thought of that.”  She walks away with her ego inflated and the host bites his or her lip.

It’s clear to the host who’s the doormat in the relationship and who has her trousers made in Savile Row, and notes she/he has to up her/his game with property two.  Even before they enter the house the wife grimaces at something and hubby recoils with a non committal look on his face.  What can be wrong?  Shock-horror-gasp!  They have neighbours!  Oh well, upward and onward.

House three was the wrong shape, (The wrong shape?) the grass wasn’t the shade they/she had ordered, and it was “A bit windy.”  Imagine that, wind in the middle of a Cumbrian valley!  With gritted teeth and a false smile, the presenter walked them through the gates of property four.

Now this was more like it.  Suzie (home-maker) Pilkington-Smythe was in absolute raptures over this gaff.  Well, she had a half-smile on her face, which is more than she had all day, and this was the cue for her mobile purse to grin broadly.  All of the rooms were big enough for ‘modam’, and the south facing view was a key selling point too.

Yip, for a knock down bargain basement price of £795,500 or 7955, as we say in the trade to make it sound cheaper, it was a steal.  Then, Mrs. ‘Up-herself’ spotted a flaw in this perfect Des-Res.  The house she liked, and the land she liked too, all four and a half acres of it.  After taking another Valium, the host asked why she was going to reject this property.  Do you know what the silly cow said?  “The house is in the wrong place, it should be a bit further over to the right!”  Visiting the ‘surprise’ property was cancelled.

In the round up at the end of the show, the host did her best to find some positives in shelling out thousands of pounds in the production of another failed show.  And the couples last passing shot was, “We weren’t sure what we wanted anyway.”  What a pair of arses!  Call me Mr. Picky, but surely the money wasted on the show would’ve been better spent given to a charity that supplies drought regions in the third world with clean running water perchance.  Pillocks!!!

This entry was posted on Monday, October 3rd, 2011 at 3:00 am and is filed under Neils Blog. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.