If you’re old enough to remember Twiggy, you’ll recall she was no wider that a coat hanger, and since the 60’s of swing, model-wise at least, nothing has really change except the bizarre efforts of the fashion designers…

Well no, two things have altered over the years as it goes, there’s now a ‘lard arse’ range to appease the bloaters of society who can’t stop forcing Mc Donald’s down their necks, and the re-touching guys still have a license to shave pounds of off a model by doctoring the pictures.  And the next thing you know an eight year old girl says to her mum, “I need to go on a diet if I’m going to look like Kate Moss,” and a browbeaten mother replies, “I’ll get some cigarettes, strong coffee and a bag of coke for you tomorrow dear!”

I’m not sure who’s the worst, the designers or the celebrities that buy their clothes, then fawn all over them for producing a master piece for them.  Alex McQueen was a prime example; local boy makes good, but even he ended up brown bread (dead).  There’s no doubt that his earlier pieces were the work of a craftsman, well he did learn his trade in Savile Row after all, and in short he was the dogs wotsits at a very young age.  But it all seems to go breasts upper most when fame and fortune catches up with these people. 

Have you seen what comes down the catwalk lately?  More importantly, have you seen the piece worn anywhere else?  I mean, if you want to wear something that looks like green marzipan with a chandelier dumped on your bonce, you help yourself.  It’ll probably only set you back 12,000 grand and rest assured, no one down the supermarket will be wearing the same mess.  In fact I doubt whether you’ll find an occasion to wear the bloody thing in the first place.

So, as a hot-shot designer with a bundle in the bank, you can really let loose with your creative side, knowing full well that some twit with more money than sense will buy what ever you make for them.  Would you buy a neck scarf for 300 big ones?  Well that’s what happens when you have your own brand name, you can charge what you like!  However, when this occurs you find yourself at parties three times a week and a whole bunch of new ‘friends’ whose main intent is to supply you with as much Colombianmarching powder as you can stick up your schnoz.

Well, how odd, the McQueen range suddenly went into overdrive, and his work became more and more farcical.  I’m still trying to discover who thought it would be a great idea to purchase a dress that looked as if it had been fashioned out of carpet off-cuts – in purple!  I mean, you can actually see the cocaine at work.  Oh yeah, I can stay up for three days straight and design a dress, the trouble is I’m pretty sure no one would look twice at my matching Swiss roll meets brown  Plasticine ensemble or would they?     

Other pieces of McQueen’s work have been described as thus: from the autumn range, “A dress with a floral embellishment.”  I kid you not; it was a bush, with leaves and twigs included!  Next; “A white coral reef skirt.”  Yip, if it wasn’t a recently under cooked omelette, then I’ve got two bottoms!  And what was he on when he thought that designing a pink boiler suit with a snood and a gas mask was a good idea!  Moreover, who agreed with him when he slapped the first sketch down on the table?

Honestly, these people get so far up themselves they can’t see the dress for the trees!  And what about the models?  Well, they’re young and will probably wear anything for the right money, but all the same, what a life.  All are hoping to be the next top catwalk queen, but in the run up to that coke-fuelled position, they’re pushed and pulled about, makeup is slapped all over their heads and they have to subscribe to a diet of a lettuce leaf and 400 cigarettes a week.  So it’s no surprise when they lose the will to smile.

It doesn’t matter what I say because the clothes cattle market will carry on long after I’m in my box.  And if your wife or partner wants to dress up in a matching two-piece ‘Borrowers’ outfit, let her get on with it.  In fact, get yourself one; it’ll give the members of the Rotary Club something to talk about. 

Rest assured, you’ll know if you’ve been to a high class catwalk show, all you have to do is check the maximum load sign in the lift.  Instead of stating it can carry 1000lbs or eight people – it’ll say 1000lbs or 36 models!

This entry was posted on Monday, September 19th, 2011 at 5:03 am and is filed under Neils Blog. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.