Well I’ve seen some old toot in my time, but if you want to see a whole bunch of it, all at once, take a look through Picasso’s back catalogue. It is possibly, the biggest waste of canvass, oil and paint, plywood and paper, I have ever seen. As an art critic of some eight or nine minutes now, I can safely say, I’m not totally sure who the biggest idiots are, the artist who thinks he’s knocking out another winner or the prats that buy his daubs.
Seventy mill. was the amount paid by one such fool for Picasso’s daub called, Nude, Green Leaves and Bust, and my God, what a mess. It looks as if someone has plied a five year old with Jack Daniels, and let them loose with the poster paints! I think by this stage of his career he’d adopted the, ‘well I’ve run out of brushes, so I’ll use me old chap’, method of painting. And don’t get me started on his cubist period! I looked for several dull and boring seconds, at his complete works, and couldn’t find one solitary square!!!
In 1895 ‘Pab’ knocked out his first piece titled, The Barefoot Girl, and for a 14 year old it wasn’t to shabby. There were a string family paintings undertaken, but really when all said and done, he would’ve been better off with using a Kodak Prat-o-Matic. He dabbled in still life for a while, and then slipped into the ‘ugly porn’ years I’m afraid, which is a awful way to see your Aunt Nelly. Terrible mess really. In 1907 money was tight, so he commissioned himself to paint a self portrait, and to be honest it was a shame, because it looked more like Fred Flintstone than anyone.
Judging by the colours and shapes in, Clarinet and Violin and, Still Life and Guitar I can only assume that he was beginning to lose the plot altogether, because I’m sure he did a series of potato prints! And by the time he painted, Bather Opening a Cabin I’m fairly sure he was in regression therapy. I kid you not, it looks like a horse with a key! A stroke victim with a blindfold could have done a better job.
In 1927 Pab baby was really cooking on gas when he did a painting called, Nude on a Beach. Well I’m sorry, but a bigger load of old tat you’ve never seen before. Imagine, if you can, a new Mr Men character called, Mr Clubfooty-squarebottom, with a tiny round head, enclosed in a rude hut. And he carried on in this style with his next piece, which he called, Young Girl Throwing a Rock, painted in 1931. Oh dear oh dear oh dear! If, at one time, it was a girl lobbing a small boulder, I can only assume that the artist thought, “Fuck it, I know what I’ll do, I’ll cut it up with a pair of garden shears and slap the bits on another canvass.” So he did. I still find it hard to believe Picasso was never sued under the trades descriptions act!
There were a series of paintings where, I’m sure, Picasso must have been experimenting with ‘happy mushrooms’. I mean, if you can’t put the eyes, the nose, the mouth and ears in the right place, it’s time to get a proper job isn’t it? His old toot is still on sale would you believe! And somewhere, someone, is sitting in a darkened room right now salivating over their collection of Picasso’s lino prints. While somebody, somewhere else is dying because they haven’t got enough water to drink… Nuff said.
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