Â
This week I’d like to take a look at the subject of trust, because it’s an important quality that people look for in a relationship, and in a business partnership.  The very stinking rich have trust funds, where all of their most valuable trust is kept, in case their day-to-day supply runs out.  If you’re a work pleb you will have adopted the, ‘Shrapnel fund’  a tradition which has been handed down by the poor through the generations since the 1940’s, and this can usually be located under a mattress or a shoebox.  The most plebbliest underlings in society just have a truss fund, so count yourself lucky!

Over the years you learn to spot certain traits in people, so it’s not a total surprise when they open their gobs and what comes out is nothing more than complete twaddle.  It could be the way they walk or simply something in their body language that gives them away.  But you just know, if you’re not careful, you could be entering a situation where a lot of vauluable oxygen will be wasted just by engaging in their opening gambit.  In brief, what you’ve developed is a bullshit alarm, which staves off most human waffle and hot air.    

Everyone looks for trust within a marriage, and with out it well, what’s the point?  I got married twice, and was let down both times.  “To have and to hold from this day forward,” was the first line I fell for.  Followed by, “In sickness and in health,” and all because I trusted the words that come out of my then  partners mouths.  If there was an, ‘I’ve changed my mind’ or a, ‘Jesus, you’re too ill’, clause I wouldn’t have bloody bothered. 

As you know, if you believe all of the claims that are made about a product in a TV advert, you’re either under five years old or very, very mental.  If you can’t understand why something that you spent a tenner on, breaks the minute you take it out of the box, even though it has a lifetime guarantee, you shouldn’t be allowed in shops on your own or given money until you’re 47 and a half!    

Here are a few pointers to look for when you’re trying to avoid being caught in a quandary over whether to trust a person or a situation.  Eyes are a dead give away obviously, especially if they are to close together.  Also, never trust a person without earlobes!  A certain percentage of people are born with ears that join their faces, from top to bottom, and this birth defect, known as the ‘Stuck on effect’  leaves the victim totally lobe-less.  Over time, this condition goes onto affect their mental state, and in the end, they try using a marker pen or Biro to give their ears some definition.  When this fails, they begin lying to everyone they know, and eventually become estate agents. 

Mechanics and builders are also keen trust breakers, some even have a PhD in the subject.  A universal phrase to listen out for is, “I’ll be ‘onest wiv ya.”  If you hear this repeated more than three times in a verbal exchange, dismiss them immediately, and ask a close friend to recommend someone they have used in the past.  “Should be ready on Tuesday,” is another key statement to be wary of.  People with unusually small moustaches should also be avoided, look at the very, very, naughty Hitler for example.  He told the German nation that  they would win the Second World War, ladies and gentlemen, he was talking out of his poo-shoot! 

On the other hand, our fine upstanding and more importantly, honest, Winston Churchill said, “Never have so many, done so much, with so little, by so few, to people so far away.”  And he was right!  The country trusted him to come up with the solutions to end the war with the Bosch, and when it was all over they kicked him out of No. 10!  So you see, even politicians can get it wrong sometimes. 

Always, always avoid people with no necks, with the exception of Clive Anderson of course, mainly because of his rapier like wit.  Every time I’ve had dealings with the ‘no neck’ society I’ve been let down.  The leader of the BNP, Nick Griffin – no neck.  I wouldn’t trust him as far as I could vomit. 

Almost all of the Argentinian nation are a bit short in the neck department, look at that footballer, Teves who plays for Man. City!  Very little neck, but you’ll notice that he does have a seemingly endless supply of extra teeth to compensate.  If you see an Argentinian in the street, don’t wait for them to open their mouth,  just shout out, “Watch out, watch out, there’s a Arggy about,” and runaway.   Never enter a lift with a Argentinian in it.  Not only with you be lied to in a foreign language, you’ll die through lack of oxygen, as all foreigners speak much, much, much, much faster than us proud, educated and non bigoted Britons!

Name check: CNN News correspondent.  Diane Swonk. 

Right I’m off, but remember this…  

Marriage – it is just one simple word.  However, it could so easily become a lengthy sentence.

This entry was posted on Thursday, May 6th, 2010 at 3:44 am and is filed under Neils Blog. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.