Errrrrrm…, apparently we’re a bit short in the ice department? Well it’s the first I’ve heard about! But the Inuits of Greenland say that they were the first ones to notice the problem. Burt Inuit, a renowned painter and decorator, was at work one day painting a neighbour’s igloo, when he noticed that his first coat of paint wouldn’t dry. He went back the next day to find that all of the wallpaper he’d put up had fallen off as well. Burt is the first casualty of unemployment in that area, which is a bit of a bastard really, as the nearest social security office is 5,433 miles away!
But there is some good news in the offing, the locals can now grow their own vegetables – whoop-de-fuckin’-doo! Mind you the affiliated union of, Polar bears, Seals and things that flap about a lot, are up in paws and flippers over the issue. Another problem that is a concern for the Inuits nation is the discovery of gold, diamonds and platinum in the area. They say their land could be overrun by prospectors and they’re worried that the natural habitat and wildlife will suffer as a consequence. I’d say that’s the least of their worries, you wait until Ronald McDonald and Pizza Hut turns up mate! Mind you they’ll have to rejig their menus to accommodate the locals. “Blubber and chips for table three Vera, and don’t forget the Whale sauce luv.”
Dear Inuits, have no fear, Bipolar Bill is hear… Over the last week I’ve spent literally seconds devising a, two point, full proof plan for which I want no thanks or remuneration, unless you can rustle up a fridgefreezer large enough to accommodate one small Blue Whale? My first stratagem is to place a ban on all motor sports that heavily reply on a circular track. This will reduce the use of fuel being wasted and the amount of carbon emissions too. Drag racing will then become the number one motor sport, which will be a sight more bloody interesting than seeing a F1 car for just 1.2 seconds shoot past you after you’ve just spent 60 quid for a ticket at Brands Hatch!
Ploy two, and this is where it really starts get interesting, would be to target all commercial fights and change the way planes fly. If the trial works that’s up and running in Jersey as we speak, I hope to roll the scheme out all over the country, and then pass on my findings to the international circuit. We all know that planes use an immense amount of fuel when taking off, so how can we minimise this waste? Well I’ll tell you. Coasting, or gliding if you will!
We all know if you coast down hill in a car with your foot on clutch you use less petrol, well my plan adopts that idea and applies it to the multitude of planes that fly above us at any given time. A 100,000 tons they maybe, but even if they run out of ‘go-juice’ the buggers will still drift into an airport near you at some point. A lift will be erected on a runway, a big one, big enough to take a Jumbo jet. The elevator will raise the plane to a height of about three miles where it can be aimed at it’s destination. Then, the platform supporting the plane tips forward and jettisons the flying beast into the wild blue yonder. This radical piece of engineering will reduce the use of fuel, and the carbon footprint in one fell swoop. No, no, don’t thank me, I’m just here to help.
You know the worrying part about all of this is, MY DISORDER IS IN REMISSION!!!
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