If you’ve just become a parent, you’ll have realised that patience and caring are your new learning curves.  Mum’s completely knackered after firing out an object that’s ten times the size of the exit, and dad’s a gibbering idiot.  

Up to this point you thought you were a patient person and nothing could faze you, and if it did you could laugh it off.  Now let’s wind the clock forward four months.  After partially giving up her career, mum’s finally secured an eating and sleeping routine for your newborn, and is still a little sore around the edges.  And what was all, cuddles and rumpy-pumpy, has now turned into your partner passing out on the sofa the minute the soaps start.  Don’t worry, this change in your life is a universal cycle for couples and you’re not alone, it just seems like it.

After six months mummy is tearing her hair out, and by nine months she wants to tear yours out.  She’s bored and feels trapped between four walls while you toddled off to work each day and talk to real grown up people.  As a dad you step up to the plate to give mum a rest – even if you don’t know what to do.  You tell her she beautiful, and to call the girls for a night out.  Why?  Well, if mummy doesn’t get any chill time soon or loses anymore sleep she won’t be responsible for her actions!  What could go wrong? 

HA!  Have you ever seen a grown man dealing with the contents a full nappy?  After just six hours dad is close to his first breakdown!  The baby has been screaming its head off for two hours solid, and when you finally got your son of to sleep, a car back-fired and woke him up.  Welcome to the sharp end son.

So dads, if you feel you’ve had a rough ride, spare a thought for a male rookie Emperor Penguin.  He comes home after a hard days graft, hoping for a sit down and a fag, and his partner says, “Look after the egg, I’m off out with the girls!”  What you’re not expecting is – she’ll be gone for almost two months!  There’s no grub in the house and the electric has run out on the meter.  Worst still, it’s now 60 below freezing and the wind has picked up nicely to 124mph! 

You’re not alone.  All of your mates are in the breeding site too, wondering just how long a shopping trip to Iceland takes!  Meanwhile, you all decide a group hug would be the best way to survive the elements. 

The egg hatches but you’ve only got a week’s worth of food in your gut for your chick.  Back she comes, swingin’ ‘er ‘andbag, after you’ve had nil-by-mouth for eight weeks, with a belly full of food for the baby.  “Right,” you say, “I’m off to the café, where is it, I’m Hank Marvin?”  “Seven days that way, just past the new IKEA,” she says.  You think about it for a nano second and reply, “Bollocks to that, I’ll pick up some snacks from the pub!”

This entry was posted on Monday, October 22nd, 2012 at 1:27 am and is filed under Neils Blog. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.