The good news is two thirds of the world is covered in it.  The bad news is only 3% of it is drinkable!  Yep, you’ve guessed it I’m talking, of course, about the single most precious substance in the known world, H2O.   

Oh yes matey-boy, three days without God’s gargling gear and could find yourself lying down looking up from a big hole, with all of your relatives chucking earth at you.  The rumour is the south-east of England is a tad short in the reservoir department and we’re in danger of a drought situation!

The claim is that we’ve haven’t been this short of water since the summer of ’76, but this can’t be right.  I should know, I was there and it was the longest and hottest summer I can remember.  You only had to fart back then and you would’ve started a forest fire.  It was 90 degrees everyday for three months in a row and chemists all over the UK were selling sun screen by the bucket load.  

Now it maybe that I’ve missed something, perhaps I’d been sectioned and was unaware of my surroundings, but to date I have absolutely no recollection of a blistering summer lasting over 12 weeks or a hosepipe ban. 

So where has all the water gone?  Well, some of it has been wasted by humans with a bladder problem.  It can’t be helped, but it’s my belief if they were shot you could save thousands of gallons a year.  Mother’s bathing babies everyday is another area I’d like to cover. 

I’ve put a recommendation forward to the water authorities that mothers should only wash their offspring once a fortnight.  They might pong a bit, but at least you’ll know whether they’re in the house or not.  And as of midnight to night baths will be removed from your property.  Hey, we’re leaving the sinks!   

But who are the real culprits when it comes to wasting water?  That’s right; the very people we send it back to, the water board!  Why do we give them money every month and what the hell are spending it in?  Oh sure, they clean it up and sell back to us, but you’d think by now someone would take a look at all the leaking pipes.  But no, they’ve let it slide and now there’s a shortage.    

Can we retrieve it?  No!  In fact you’ve got more chance of squeezing a hippo’s arse in a Butler sink mate!  It’s gone never to return, seeped deep below into the water table or its evaporated back into the atmosphere.  Don’t worry though; the government has issued a statement and a plan to easy the situation.  Next Tuesday the whole of the UK’s residence will be forced to take part in a sponsored 12 hour rain dance.  Call me old fashioned, but if water was gas there wouldn’t be any leaks.

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This entry was posted on Monday, February 27th, 2012 at 2:47 am and is filed under Neils Blog. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.