Money, it’s said, makes the world go around, and there I was thinking it’s the gravitational pull between a bunch of planets…

If this is the case, soon the world is going to come to a grinding halt, and the rumour is, it’s the euro that is to blame or should I say the countries that use it, and the twits in charge of finance.  Now I don’t know about you, but as far as I’m concerned our Government can take the euro and stick up a slot where the sun don’t shine.

I believe the initial use for this foreign ‘shrapnel’ was for businesses in the European Union, well if that’s the case why is it circulation on a wider scale?  Well, I’m glad to say I have the answer.

Overall, the banks keep saying they’re short of cash, which really means they’re short of our cash.  So, how do you stump up some extra wonga for your bank in times of crisis, one of the answers is to make up a new monetary system.  It confuses the pensioners for a start, and as we’re all living longer, right there is your source of extra income.  They won’t be able to work out if they’re being ripped off mostly, and this will generate a greater circulation via over paying people like cab drivers, stall holders and disreputable milkman! 

How else could a bank up its income?  Well, once you’ve fashioned your new coinage thus: 2 and one euro coins, 50c, 20c, 10c, 2, and 1c denominations, in order to avoid the use of the two smallest coins, some transactions are rounded up to the nearest 5 cents!  Well excuse me for sounding irate, but you’ve got to be a bloody idiot if you agree to that practice.  Sod it, why not just chuck all of your loose change down the nearest drain! 

Now let’s take a look at the difference between having a gargantuan debt problem as apposed to Joe Bloggs who is 10 months in arrears with the rent.  At a certain stage you notice a lot of letters building up, and they’re all from the same creditor.  More arrive, and in an attempt to deal with this financial crisis, you start putting the letters at the bottom of a draw.  Yes, even bankers to this.

Then one day the financial minister of, let’s say Greece gets a visit from a friend, who advises him to pop along to a meeting for a chat and some sandwiches with lot of other important people who are loaded.  Once there, all of his ‘friends’ say, “We understand you’re a trifle short this month, so we’re going to bail you out.”  Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-sult!

“And to confuse the plebs, when we release this statement to the media we’re going to say you debt has been ‘written down’, rather than ‘written off’.” 

The hope is using this terminology will offset the predict riot, when the masses realise your ‘friends’ have slashed your debt by 50%!”  Ooh, and don’t worry about your job, pension, bonuses, sick pay, health cover and your 16 week holiday package, just look very, very glum when you come into work on Monday morning. 

So, all things being equal you’d expect Joe Bloggs, and man of some means but with a cash flow problem at the moment, would receive the same form of treatment well; it’s only fair isn’t it.  Sadly, when you’re at the bottom of the financial pyramid any shortfall in the Bloggs account is seen as an act of high treason and your life is made a living hell. 

Firstly, more official letters arrive from a concerned Housing Association or Council, in pristine white envelopes.  Like the banker, Mr. Bloggs has so much unopend post now, he has to find anther drawer to put it in!  The only difference between the two parties is the head of wonga cock-ups at the bank shreds his. 

Then… the brown envelope arrives, a sure sign the creditor has passed your arrears on to a debt collection agency, ‘Menace, Menace & Threat Ltd.  “Better put that one right at the bottom of drawer one.”  You think to yourself.

By shear fluke, you pick up the phone one day, and it’s your creditor’s area housing officer, and by and large the games up.  Fortunately, after worrying yourself to death for months on end, the officer is sympathetic to your circumstances, and for the most part the pressure is off.  A meeting takes places and a way of repaying your arrears is put in place, without too much of a dent to your income.

It’ll still cut into your food and other household bills of course, so Joe Bloggs puts forward a solution of his own.  He says, “Couldn’t another borough or boroughs lend me the money for my debt and you slash my arrears by 50%, and I’ll repay the money, say in, 20 years?”  The officer stops and ponders on the question and replies, “Mr. Bloggs – now you’re just taking the piss, if we all did that the country would be in a right state!”  Here endeth the first lesson.

Note to bankers: stop handing out credit like confetti to people YOU know can’t afford to repay it.  And start telling people, if you can’t afford to pay for something with cold hard cash there and then, YOU CAN’T AFFORD IT!

This entry was posted on Sunday, October 30th, 2011 at 9:16 pm and is filed under Neils Blog. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.