You saw the advert and you thought; I fancy some of that.  So you lay out a small fortune for the flight without a worry or a fret.  And why would you?

Well, it’s not until you’re on the plane you discover just what could go wrong and how to deal with the situation.  Oh yeah, the airline have got you and your money now.  Not only that there’s nothing you can do because you’re strapped in and by this time and half way down the runway.  The demonstration begins.

“Ladies and gentlemen in the event of a…”  I mean what’s the point?  Everyone’s going to panic in their own language aren’t they!  And don’t get duped into thinking that arm waving is to point you in the direction of the exits in the event of a crash, oh no.  That’s just stewardess is giving the passengers their Last Rites just in case. 

Also the debate continues over where is the safest place to sit on the ‘big metal bird’ in the event that 80,000 tons of holiday transport falls out of the sky – and, assuming the crash position, cushion in the lap, head down. 

Well I don’t think it really matters.  All you’ve got to ask yourself is – would you rather be smashed into a mountain side or hit the sea at a high velocity?  Again, none of this is mentioned during the booking of your holiday!  I mean really, what is the point of putting your head in lap when a mountain top hones into view?  You might as well sign up for an online tapping dancing course and start practising in the aisle.  No, the only reason to place your head in your lap at 20,000 feet, heading for a mountain is so you can kiss your arse goodbye.

Now, I’ve got to take the air safety body to task about landing in the sea, should you survive the fall and don’t end up entombed at the bottom of the briny.  You’ve just dropped out of the sky at an alarming rate, and presuming you haven’t had a heart attack on the way down, you and few others are now floating around in shark infested water, with your Day-Glo orange life-jacket on. 

And what have been given to attract attention to your whereabouts?  A frickin’ Christmas cracker whistle!  If they can’t spot an object as big as a plane, how the hell is any rescue party going to hear a poxy whistle in the middle of the Indian Ocean!

So, in summing up, here are my proposals for better safety in the air and some important information for all of you would-be passengers out there.  The best place to sit is on top of the black box.  Why – because it’s always found no matter where it is!  Next, the black box is water proof, fire proof and bomb proof, which leaves it virtually indestructible, save a crash landing on the sun.  So why don’t they make the planes out of the same material?  Honestly, how hard is it?

This entry was posted on Sunday, November 4th, 2012 at 11:33 pm and is filed under Neils Blog. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.