A true story
It was a simple request. “Would you do some pruning for me?” Now in the whole scheme of things it seems like a harmless question doesn’t it? Not if you’re a Walton. I said yes of course, how can turn down helping out one of your best friend’s mum…
It was pretty clear from the off that this would turn in to one of ‘those’ jobs. Why I was surprised I don’t know, this stuff has followed me about since I can remember. So I turned up at my chum’s mum’s house one sunny afternoon around 2pm. We had the usual catch-up chat and tea in the best china, after which I made my way to the garden looking for the pruning shears. But low, no pruning shears did I find. No, what I found was a long pole lying on the lawn.
Just then a cherub flew past and whispered, “You’ve don’t it again you prat, you’re not clipping the roses cocker, the 25 foot lance is for cutting back that bloody great tree.” Still, how bad can it get? You won’t believe it!
Initially I had some difficulty in handling the elongated device, and I can safely say I spent more time waving the thing about than actually cutting back the branches. However, after a couple hours the job was complete.
All was fine, well when I say fine; I noticed a sort of dull ache at the base of my neck. As I drove home the ache turned into a series of sharp stabbing pains and by the time I reached the high street my brain had informed my agony receptors that I had the mother of all migraines coming my way. I could see red and green spots in front of my eyes and my whole head felt like it was on fire.
The situation was getting dangerous as I drove into the sun and tried to navigate my way down the road. A bus appeared out of nowhere and then vanished and it was at this point I realised I’d turned into a Cyclops! Oh I still had two eyes alright but for some reason my right eye had shut down for the night! After the hot sweats stopped the cold ones began and I could feel my lungs being affected as well as the muscles in my limbs, and I thought I was going to faint.
The bus re appeared and so did the cherub. “See, that’s what happens when you say yes to something without finding out all the details first.” I made it home, but was still trying to work out what had happened to me and more importantly, why? After 8 eight hours of horrendous pain the penny dropped. Holding your head back for more than two hours crushes the brain stem and the nervous. The result: unimaginable pain, temporary blindness, breathing problems and muscle weakness. I’ve never eaten a prune or pruned since…
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