As a keen satirist I look at the forthcoming 2012 Olympics as another financial accident waiting to happen.  When we were awarded the Games, the rest of the world must have breathed a sigh of relief that they hadn’t been stuck with them and the financial outlay during a global recession, which by the way is now moving nicely along towards a double-dip recession.

So we picked up the white elephant, and in true British style we’re going to sally forth come what may and I have to start this rant with the logo.  Yip, 400,000 quid for a pink daub!  Quite honestly an epileptic squid dipped in mat emulsion could’ve produced a better artwork I feel.  Nuff said.          

I don’t give a toss about the positive spin that keeps coming out of the mouths of the organizers; this is England mate!  The place of strikes in a crisis, the place where a single leaf can shut down the entire network of London’s over ground train system – the place where snow can fall at any given moment. 

I can only assume the head honchos working with Sebastian Coe were forced to attend a course in bullshit before signing up!  Just the logistics of London Transport’s tube network has got to be their biggest nightmare, and don’t start me on the cost of the Games. 

Picture the scene: you’re on the starting grid to catch your first tube train of the day towards your place of work at the ‘Kipper Splitters Emporium’.  You’ve got a drink and a round of sandwiches, just in case the train breaks down, and your shin and shoulder pads are in place, as are your gum shield and knuckle dusters.  You put your head down and make a break for the sliding doors, and for your efforts, you secured a place crushed against a window in the standing position.  

From there you’re thrown around for twenty minutes towards your next connection and when you alight you bite, kick and punch in a bid to tear yourself away from the on-board commuters.  But it’s only when you reach Kings Cross station you realise that 350,000 extra foreign visitors have turned up for the Games and they’re going to be here every day for the duration of  the Olympics.

Now, I don’t like to spilt hairs (believe that and you’ll believe anything), but it’s come to my notice that the events that make up the Games don’t have many links with the past.  In fact, 28 of the 38 events weren’t even invented at the time of the original Olympics, and how the hell Beach Volleyball and BMX cycling slip in as sports, it’s absolutely farcical!   

So, the rush hour will become the ‘crush hour’, and 80% of the athletes will be within 20 minutes of their events and 97% will be within 30 minutes of their events.  Aah haha aahahahaahahaha  hahaha – priceless! 

Have the Olympic board undertaken a dry run on a Monday morning with the expected extra weight of human traffic – doubtful.  And right there is what should become a new Olympic sport – just getting the athletes from their hotels to the arena! 

The rumour is that 93% of training venues will be within 30 minutes of the athlete’s village and the aim is for 90% of venues to be served by three or more forms of public transport. 

Well we’ve got that now, and you still can’t get to work on time!!!  The Olympic board came to me for an answer to this problem obviously, and after seconds of rigorous power meetings with myself I’m glad to say I have the solution.  Everyone living in the London area and within a 15 miles radius of the M25 will have their homes boarded up so they can’t leave their properties.         

The next transportation problem will of course be our aviation system, which team GB hope to turn to their advantage in the javelin and the pole vault events.  The plan is to ensure the incoming athlete’s equipment and luggage is diverted to Guatemala!  The M25 will remain a car park for the length of the Olympics.     

Okay, let’s take a look at the cost of 17 days of running, jumping and slinging various objects about in a field.  The estimated bill for staging the Olympic and Paralympics was £2.1bn.  Forget all of the other figures you may have heard about, as no one can accurately forecast the eventual cost. 

So, after years of construction and hype, we’ll be lucky if this project breaks even.  And you wonder why your gas and electric has doubled recently! Yep, it’s what your supplier is using to pay for advanced orders of fuel to cover the extra usage during 17 days of watching a bunch stick insects run about a bit.   

However, there is a last ditched plan to recoup some of the groats lost in the coffers, but I can’t say I’ll be subscribing to it.  In this country we have been constantly reminded we’re a bunch of ‘lard-arses’, and eating our five-a-day is the way forward.  There’s even rumours of a fat tax – well how about this, DON’T PUT THE CRAP IN OUR FOOD TO BEGIN WITH!  

So what’s the plan to redeem some cash?  Lord Coe will raise funds through broadcast revenues, licensing, tickets and local and global Olympics sponsors such as Coca-Cola and McDonald’s.

McDonald’s!  At the Olympic Game!  Are you bloody sure?

This entry was posted on Sunday, October 16th, 2011 at 2:20 am and is filed under Neils Blog. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.