It’s taken an inordinate amount of time to persuade the Government to take up my radical suggestion to eradicate obesity in the UK, but finally, last week the Health Minister asked me to attend a meeting…
I opened the debate with what we we’re given when we were born, i.e. two eyes, legs, arms and so on. And, overall, I don’t think the board members grasped what I was trying to achieve. Then I pointed out that, we as humans, haven’t evolved sufficiently to cope with the rubbish that food producers add to the food we buy and eat.
Hydrogenated fat, for example. If you saw it in its natural state, you wouldn’t eat it, you’d start hanging wallpaper up with it. But, use it bind apple and blackcurrant together, and slap some pastry around it, and you’d quite happily let your kids eat it.
In short, to solve the UK’s bloater problem we have to cut through the red tape, ‘cut’ being the operative word, and start producing a new race of people who will go on to use less bodily parts, and in so-doing reduce the obesity crisis and everything that comes with being a lard-arse. And the answer – the simple act of surgical removal.
Oh yes, it sounds a drastic approach, but is it? I personally have to disagree. Imagine, one of your children is ill, a high fever perhaps. You head off to the hospital only to find there’s a five hour wait, and all because a string of porkers are in the queue ahead of you, suffering from high blood pressure, diabetes or time consuming heart attacks! With my new system, you won’t have to line up ever again, you’ll be able to stroll straight in and be seen within minutes of entering the hospital.
So what do we do? Well, first I publish a copy of my next book ‘If you don’t need it – cut it off’, then start interviewing podgester couples who haven’t as yet had children. Then I would brief them on the possibilities of living without that extra vital organ, while pointing out that having ten toes isn’t really a necessity!
Once they see the benefits of my scheme and agree to a few minor operations well, 23 at a bear minimum, people will be queuing up around the block to take part in this great venture. In the years ahead of course, this surgery won’t be needed, as the child of the future will be born without the extra parts.
If you can think, ” Hey, why do I need that extra lung,” things will have a more positive edge. So, the master plan is in place, and here’s roughly the extent of my work to date, which was undertaken during a lock-in at ‘Glass blower’s Gusset’. Noses. Well we can shave those off, you’ll still have two holes to breath through, and you’ll be 2ozs lighter straight away! Ears. Again, lop those puppies off and you’re well on your way to losing your first pound in weight.
Lose a buttock, and be the envy of all your friends, and 5lbs lighter too! The added advantage here of course is that when you have a fitting for your next pair of trousers, you won’t so much material, and consequently your clothes will be much cheaper. It really is a win-win situation! Why stop there, pull that bonus eye out, and get the remaining one moved to the centre of your forehead!
Tonsils? Rip ’em out mate. Spleen? Ditto. Nipples? Completely wasted on a bloke, and hey, who needs a whole liver? Cut the bugger in half and shed another couple of pounds in an instant. And while we’re at it, let’s take out that spare kidney too. Do you use all of your brain? No. Well there you are then, keep what you need and bin the rest! Yes, I reckon I’ve managed to shift around 12lbs of unwanted weight there, without even blinking.
Looking at the bigger picture, who ever it was that designed the human form, can’t be credited with creating the most intricate being on our planet. I mean, most people haven’t spotted the most obvious flaw in our complex design. Think about it – who in their right mind would fit a waste disposal unit, right next to a communal play area???
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