Well, with the niceties out of the way here are your company’s new regulations for the year ahead.  As we are now entering a triple-dip recession our ‘open door’ policy will be locked as of your return to work.  This procedure has been implemented to reduce the amount of death threats and violence directed at the management once you have read this notice.  

 Sick days & Surgery: We will no longer accept a doctor’s sick note as proof of illness.  If you’re able to reach a surgery, you can make it into work, and operations are now banned.  As long as you work here, you’ll need all of your organs and shouldn’t consider having any removed.  We hired you in tact and to have something removed constitutes a breech of your contract.

Holidays: Each employee will receive a 104 days paid leave.  They are to be called Saturday and Sunday.  Death is no excuse for missing work.  There’s nothing you can do for a dead friend or relative, and every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements.

Bereavement leave: In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be arranged for the late afternoon.  We will be glad to let you to work through your lunch-hour and subsequently leave one hour early, providing your share of the work is complete.

Absent for your own death: This will be accepted as an excuse, on the understanding that we receive at least two weeks notice.  Remember, it’s your duty to train your replacement.

Toilet use: Too much time is spent in the toilets.  We now require you to go in alphabetical order.  All workers whose names begin with ‘A’ will be allowed to visit the toilet from 8:00 to 8:20.  Should you miss your allotted time, you should wait until the next day.  In extreme emergencies emplyees may swap their time with a co-worker.  Both employee’s supervisors must agree this exchange in writing.

In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute rule in each cubicle.  At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper will retract, and the door will open.

Lunch & Dress code: Thin workers get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more in order to stay healthier.  Average size people get 30 minutes to maintain a normal figure.  Obese staff will get 5 minutes as that’s all the time needed to drink a Slimfast.  You should come to work dressed according to your earnings.  If we see you wearing new attire we will assume you don’t need a rise.

We’d like to take this opportunity to thank you for your loyalty to our company and hope you will take advantage of our new ‘sweat miles’ reward card.

This entry was posted on Sunday, January 8th, 2012 at 5:47 am and is filed under Neils Blog. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.