So there I was, old, free and single, when a neighbour said, “Oh you’ve gotta try internet dating, everyone’s doing it.”  Yeah well, never being one to do anything just because everyone else is, I eventually signed up on one site, just to see where all this hot action was occurring…

Right from the off, I should’ve known it was going to turn in to a farcical episode in my little life, and I wasn’t disappointed.  My advice to you, right from the start is don’t bother, unless you want to be disappointed and short in your wallet.

Pick a site, any site there are hundreds to choose from and they all say, FREE to join.  However, it’s not until you’ve spent eight hours of your life attempting to download a picture of yourself you realise that they are cost involved after all.

So I began entering some details in to ‘sadlonleygits-mealforone.com’ and got a message straight away!  The very sexy Sandra who wanted to speak to me – way hey!!!  Putting my Lionel Blair’s (Flairs) on, my stacked heeled shoes, plus my Brut and a rather fetching brown and orange nylon wally-collared shirt, I waited with baited breath to see what the brown-eyed beauty had to say for her self.  She said, “Welcome to the site,” and that was it! 

Forty-two days later I’d finished the questionnaire on my profile and went to bed with a repetitive strain injury caused by constant typing.  Well that’s my story mate and I’m sticking to it.

Weeks went passed by and there wasn’t a hint of a connection with the great beyond.  I could only assume that I had a face like a baboon’s bum and no one would bother to message me.

Then, quite out of the blue and some months later, I received an email alert that there was a message waiting for me in my account.  This is it, I thought there’s gonna be some hot rumpy-pumpy to night.  I went to my profile and saw, “If you would like read your message, simply give us the details of your bank account and we’ll empty it for you!  It was about this time that the swearing began.

So I left it for a while, months in fact, and stumbled on another sight.  With the wind in my trousers and both hands down my pants, I proceeded to enter every bleedin’ known fact about me, minus my hat size.  

‘Shagtilyoudrop.com’ seemed different to the other sites I’d viewed somehow.  You know, a tad more in your face, brazen even.  It was as if you could pre book a lady-person with huge jumper-lumps and they would come straight to your house, even at two o‘clock in the morning!  I thought then as I do now, how on earth can they keep a free site running without any money changing hands!

There was another long pause before attempting the rigors of another dating site, but oh boy, this was more like it, yes, abottleofwineandagooddvd.com’ was totally FREE, FREE, FREE.  And now I know why, it was full off DULL, DULL, DULL women who looked uglier than me and dressed in their mum’s clothes.

I’ve lost count of the man hours lost to this ridiculous pursuit but like a fool I signed myself up for one last time to a dating site called ‘justgladofashag.com’ and settled back for an influx of banter with the opposite number.

Imagine my surprise when the very next day a message arrived, well worth the £6.50 I’d spent for a weekend trial.  The little minx’s name was Sam, and she was bloody gorgeous.  Of course she was; she was welcoming me to the site!!!

Message two looked more hopeful, well it had too; after all, at some point someone’s had to ask me a question or mention something about my profile that we’ve got in common.  W-R-O-N-G!  Not only did she live in bloody Guatemala, all she said was, ‘Hi’, stupid trout!  My sharp senses told me, even in the event that we did meet for a coffee, somewhere in the Gobi dessert; I believe the conversation would be sadly lacking content.  Although I was very tempted to say ‘Hi’ back, just to see if she could see the irony.

Ooh, never mention in your profile that you have a mental health history.  Me, I’m as honest as you can be, and after looking at some of the ladies information, that’s what they feel is the main requirement in a relationship.  So I was honest, I have no need to lie about anything.  What happened, I was stigmatised in my own front room.  I can only assume the daft bint, with a PhD I might add, glossed over the fact that I’ve remained ‘well’ for the last nine years and focused all of her attention on the reality that I brazenly mentioned I was bipolar.

The result was this, after number of exchanges through the site and finding we had much in common, she wrote, “I’ll have to sign off now as I simply couldn’t be associate myself with someone who has a mental illness.”  What a cow!!!  That’s the ‘c’ word I’ll use for now, but it’s not the ‘c’ word I used when I read her message.     

Last point, if a Miss Oujer-nikya Bolokov contacts you chaps, blow her out.  She says she’s 24, a teacher and looking for the love an older man and will travel to the four corners of the world to find him.  She’s blonde, blue-eyed and beautiful.  No she’s not.  She’s a great big hairy Russian builder looking for a passport and if she can’t get that, she’d like you to send her some money! 

Well I guess it’s down to the docks for me to see if I can get a cut-price shag under the pier…

I’ll take this opportunity to say many, many thank yous to every one of you who read my ramblings, and hope in the past I’ve caused a few laughs.  I’m taking a break now as it the summer, and will return on the 4th of September 2011.

This entry was posted on Sunday, August 21st, 2011 at 9:58 pm and is filed under Neils Blog. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.