I know what you’re going to say, we had some great holidays in a caravan, the  only difference is we drove to a site, rather than tow a mini-me version of our house down the motorway.  And right there is where all of the problems begin.

Think about it, you were probably quite young when you last took a holiday in a static home, now-a-days people are buying there own and travelling around blocking up the highways and byways at Easter and every bank holiday in the calendar.  It’s not a very green way to move about the country is it?  Not only do the drivers of these wheeled deaths boxes only go at 50 mph, so do the cars who are stuck behind them.  In plan terms they’re wasting valuable fossil fuel.

When they reach the field where you can’t kick a ball, let your dog off the lead and have to be in bed by 10:30pm, you realise that your pitch is just 15 metres from a high speed rail link.  So even if you wanted a kip you can’t, because every 17 minutes a train whips past at a swift 125 mph all through the night.

In the morning, what’s the first thing you want to do?  That’s right, drift down the hallway and visit the bathroom.  Not so in the small house on wheels no.  First you have to don most of your clothes then walk on damp grass in your slippers through a blizzard for at least 100 metres, before finding a wooden hut where there’s a queue.  And don’t bother looking for the soft tissue roll; it’s been replaced by grade four sandpaper.  Thank but no thanks!

Now, you’ve clearly paid for your gas and electric at home, and while some of your household items are still buzzing and whirring while you’re away, you have to pay for extra utilities just so you can eat and keep warm.  What a bloody stupid way to carry on.  Why not just cut the roof of the caravan off and really have a pop at Mother Nature to add to the global warming effect!

What you have to ask yourself is; what do you do once you’ve pitched your caravan on a site?  Well you could go for a walk.  That’s it I’m afraid!  The rest of the time is spent cooking on an item that can only cope with two rashers of bacon at a time.  You may find some excitement when you go to fill up the water carrier from the fresh water tap, which is usually no more than half a mile away, but I doubt it. 

If it’s cold you can sit inside your wardrobe on wheels and drink tea, and if not you can sit outside doing much the same thing – riveting!  Should you be short of food you can pop along to the licensed bandit who owns the site shop and get ripped off a treat on a daily basis.  I’m sorry to say you’d have more fun on a psychiatric ward suffering from the side-effects of the wrong medication…

This entry was posted on Monday, February 6th, 2012 at 1:44 am and is filed under Neils Blog. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.