Now, I don’t know whether you’ve noticed this or not, but there seems to be a more the plentiful supply of H2O falling out of the sky. There have been floods in America, India, and England has been coated in the stuff lately.
‘They’, who ever they are, say that this situation has nothing to do with climate change; personally, I don’t buy it. The only way to find out the real truth of the matter, of course, is to ask Polar bear or an Inuit tribe. In dear old Blighty the blame falls squarely on the shoulders of the hydrophobic counsellors, who will insist on keeping a hosepipe ban in place, despite the fact that it might have been raining solidly for last three weeks! Do they live on a flood plain region? Do they bollocks! So who does live there? Ooh, now let me think, oh yes, the poor unfortunates, poor being the operative word.
However, as I see it, the basic problems with flooding are thus: water where water shouldn’t be – buildings with more water in them than is necessary – the surprise of all the extra water – household items that are wetter than usual – no buildings, and little or no power. And what do we get to protect our homes and belongings with? That’s right, the very sturdy, but very leaky sand bag. I mean really, what’s the fucking point? “Ooh look Stan, we’re so lucky, the water level in our house is two inches lower than next doors.” “Oh yuss me old beauty, thank the Lord for sand bags I say.”
Anyway flood plain dwellers, have no fear, I am here to help. Yes, shortly after a meeting with the, ‘Where the hell’s all the extra water coming from’ Society, I put my plans into action. My original scheme was to knock down the houses in the problem areas, and reconstruct new ones made from the discarded remnants of all the Keil Kraft made between 1945 and 1973. These have been collected over the years by balsa wood scrape merchants from projects that were smashed up, out of shear frustration, when father and son alike failed to get their model planes airborne. Aah yes, how well I recall the great balsa wood mountain of 1968! Unfortunately, Health and Safety jumped all over that idea, as they felt that the splinter risk was too high.
So dear chums, it was all down to my final ploy. It will slash the price of a house by 92 percent. You can build it yourself, and if you hate where you live, whens it rains, you can simply float off somewhere else. Right, who wants to put their name down for a Polystyrene house then?
No, no, there’s no need for thanks, just send money…
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